Ben Bailey - The A Train

  • Season 10 , Ep 18
  • 04/20/2006
  • Views: 17,393

Ben's audience attempts to help out with a word problem. (3:25)

IT STINKS IN THE SUBWAY NO MATTER WHAT SEASON IT IS.

IT CONSTANTLY SMELLSLIKE PISS IN THE SUBWAYAND THAT'S NOT EVEN

THE THING THAT I HATE THE MOST ABOUT THE SUBWAY.

THE THING I HATE THE MOST IS EVERY TIME I GET OFF THE TRAIN

AND I'M TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE STATION AND BACK UP TO THE STREETS,

I END UP GETTIN' STUCK BEHIND THESE REALLY SLOW PEOPLE

- ON THE STAIRS.- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

NOW, WHAT HAPPENS TO ME EVERY TIME I TAKE THE SUBWAY,

AND IT'S BEEN HAPPENING TO ME FOR YEARS,AND MY QUESTION IS THIS:

HOW THE HELL DO THEY KEEP BEATING ME TO THE STAIRWAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

THEY'RE THE SLOWEST PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE DAMN TRAIN.

I CAN'T GET TO THATSTAIRWAY BEFORE THEY DOTO SAVE MY OWN LIFE.

HOW'S THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? DO THE DOORS ON THE TRAIN OPEN

AND THEY RUN AS FAST AS THEY CAN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS

BY THE TIME THEY GET THERE THEY'RE SO TIRED FROM RUNNING

THAT THEY'RE BARELY ABLE TO MAKE THE CLIMB AT ALL?

WE'RE ALL TRAPPED BEHIND THEM LIKE,

"YEAH, YOU SHOULD'VE PACED YOURSELVES.

"NOW WE'RE ALL GONNA BE LATE. LET US OUT OF HERE.

"IT SMELLS LIKE PISS DOWN HERE. [Sniffing] YEAH, IT'S PISS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"I CHECKED IT AGAIN.I CAN'T HELP IT.

I'LL JUST KEEP SMELLING IT OVER AND OVER UNTIL YOU

"FAT SLOW SONS OF BITCHES LET ME OUT OF HERE.

HOW THE HELL DID YOU BEAT ME HERE ANYWAY?"

I DID THAT JOKE IN A CLUB ONE TIME

AND THIS GUY IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM GOES,

"THEY WERE ON THE TRAIN THAT ARRIVED BEFORE YOURS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT SON OF A BITCH. I COULDN'T EVEN GET MAD AT HIM.

HE WAS JUST TRYIN' TO HELP OUT.

HE WASN'T EVEN HECKLING.HE WAS LIKE, "EXCUSE ME,

"BUT I FEEL THAT I HAVE SOME INFORMATION...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT MAY BE PERTINENT THE YOUR DILEMMA."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I KIND OF FELT BAD FOR THE GUY, REALLY.

I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

HERE I WAS TELLIN' HIM A JOKE AND HE THOUGHT I WAS

- GIVIN' HIM A WORD PROBLEM. - [LAUGHTER]

RIGHT? EVERYBODY ELSE IS LAUGHING, HE'S IN THE BACK

WITH HIS NOTEBOOK. "THE PEOPLE ARRIVING ON TRAIN 'A'

"MOVE ACROSS THE PLATFORM AT POINT FOUR MILES PER HOUR.

"NO MATTER HOW QUICKLYTHE PEOPLE ARRIVING ON TRAIN 'B'

"RACE TOWARD THE STAIRWAY, THOSE PEOPLE FROM TRAIN 'A'

"WILL ARRIVE THERE BEFORE THEY DO.

FAT SLOW SONS OF BITCHESAS THEY MAY BE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

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