Tracy Morgan - Masturbation

Tracy Morgan: One Mic Season 1, Ep 101 08/26/2002 Views: 9,547

Tracy Morgan lists all the steps he takes to ensure a perfect masturbation experience. (5:07)

Marriageain't easy, man.

If you married, it ain't easy.

Marriage is not easy, man.

You got to release, man.

Me and my wifego at it all the time.

Me and my wife fight.

We throw down. That's healthy.

I ain't say "violence."

That's healthy.

Fighting is healthy.

All I'm doinggetting it off the chest.

You know what I'm saying?

You ever seen couples,always happy, never arguing?

Be together 30 yearsuntil one day

she just stabthe dude in the chest.

( laughter )

Let that out.

It ain't easy.

Sometimes

your ego's bruised, man.

That's why we watch porno, man.

You got to let usget away with something.

Some ladies don't want their manto get away with nothing.

I've got to, I've got to getaway with something.

I got to look, man.

You ever be in a cardriving with your girl

and you can justfeel her beaming you?

She's not lookingdirectly at you

'cause she ain'tgoing to play herself

but she lookingover here like this...

She see that womanwith the tight pants

crossing across the streetin front of the car.

If you want to peekat something-- look.

Don't-don't turn. Just look.

Just be like this...

Act like you lookingthrough you mirror.

"That's Cliff and themover there."

It ain't easy.

I got to get awaywith something.

I got to look at my pornoevery now and then.

I'm not a horsewith blinders and all that.

I got to see something else.

Porno, man.

It be, it be intense too.

We masturbate, boy. Right?

That's a whole process too.

You go get that new tape.

You go getthat new tape.

Can't wait.

Can't wait for her to leaveto go do the laundry.

You plant that seedright in her head.

"Dang, I ain't gotno white clothes in here?"

"Why don't you domy laundry, man?"

Got to start a argument.

That justifiesthis other woman on this tape.

It's justification.

You need justificationto touch yourself.

You're 38 years old--you still need justification.

You pay the bills.

You bought that TV and that VHS

but you still-- that's respect.

You know, so she be like,"I'm going to do the laundry."

"Yeah, take the kids out withyou, man-- it's nice outside.

Let 'em get some air."

She go, "All right, we leaving."

"All right, baby. I love you.

See you when you get back."

You hear that door clo--

the-the six locks.

( scatting )

You go right to the room.

"Yeah, I got my joint."

Put that tape in.

You know, we-we-- our men thing

we get ass-nakedlike there's really

a female in the bed with us.

Everything right,get everything right.

Make sure everything is right.

Fix your remote control,the-the color, the tracking.

Do the trackingand everything...

You do, like, 10 pushupsto get some veins popping out.

Got to closethese venetian blinds.

Homeboy across the street

keep looking in here.

I'm going murder someone, watch.

Got the remote controlson the pillow.

Press play. Pop.

Start masturbating.

You start mumblingunder your breath

"I'm gonna...I'm gonna bang the..."

( mumbling )

( laughter and scattered applause )

Then the lesbian part come on,so you fast forward.

You be like, "( bleep )that coochie on your own time."

Then you ( bleep )on yourself, right?

And wipe it offwith a dirty sock, you know.

Now you got crumbs and cat hairstuck to your stomach.

But you don't stop.

You just take a time outand go by the window

and smoke a cigarette naked.