Demetri Martin - Material Enhancers

  • Season 8 , Ep 15
  • 03/18/2004
  • Views: 141,281

Demetri Martin adds another set of wings to a hawk. (3:14)

I LIKE TELLING JOKES.

I LIKE WRITING JOKES AND TELLING

JOKES.

BUT SOMETIMES WHEN I DO JOKES,

THEY DON'T WORK THE WAY I

INTENDED.

THEY DON'T WORK AS WELL AS I

WANTED THEM TO.

AND IT'S FRUSTRATING, YOU KNOW?

BUT I HATE TO GIVE UP ON A JOKE.

SO, I WANTED TO TRY SOMETHING

TONIGHT.

THESE ARE SOME OF MY JOKES THAT

DIDN'T WORK THE FIRST TIME

AROUND, BUT I THINK IT'S BECAUSE

I DIDN'T CONVEY THE PICTURE THAT

WAS IN MY HEAD, THE VISUAL THAT

I WAS TRYING TO COMMUNICATE TO

THE AUDIENCE.

BUT I THINK WITH THESE MATERIAL

ENHANCERS, THEY MIGHT WORK.

SO, LET'S BEGIN.

MATERIAL ENHANCERS STARTS NOW.

I WAS AT A PARTY THE OTHER

NIGHT...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND--

I WAS AT A PARTY THE OTHER NIGHT

AND I SAW A GUY WEARING A

LEATHER JACKET, AND I THOUGHT,

"THAT IS COOL."

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE TEN MINUTES LATER, I SAW

A GUY WEARING A LEATHER VEST,

AND I THOUGHT, "THAT IS NOT

COOL."

AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED THAT

COOL IS ALL ABOUT LEATHER

SLEEVES.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

ABOUT A MONTH AGO, I GOTTA

CACTUS.

AND A WEEK LATER, IT DIED.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I GOT REALLY DEPRESSED,

BECAUSE I WAS LIKE, DAMN, I AM

LESS NURTURING THAN A DESERT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE LOLLIPOPS.

I DON'T LIKE LOLLIPOPS, 'CUZ TO

ME, A LOLLIPOP IS HARD CANDY

PLUS GARBAGE.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T NEED A HANDLE.

JUST GIVE ME THE CANDY.

[APPLAUSE]

IF YOU WANNA MAKE AN IMAGINARY

ANIMAL, IF YOU WANNA MAKE

A MYTHICAL CREATURE, JUST TAKE

A REGULAR ANIMAL AND ADD WINGS

TO IT.

HORSE BECOMES PEGASUS.

A LION BECOMES A GRIFFIN AND

A HAWK BECOMES A DOUBLE HAWK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M INTO CLOTHES.

I DIG FABRICS, YOU KNOW.

ONE OF MY FAVORITE CLOTHING

PATTERNS IS CAMOUFLAGE, BECAUSE

WHEN YOU'RE IN THE WOODS, IT

MAKES YOU BLEND IN.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE NOT, IT DOES

JUST THE OPPOSITE.

IT'S LIKE, "HEY, THERE'S

AN [BLEEP]-HOLE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN THE WOODS,

YOU'RE LIKE, "IS THERE AN

[BLEEP]-HOLE OUT HERE?"

THEY LOOK LIKE TREES.

SOME OF THESE JOKES I FEEL LIKE

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