Bill Burr - Subway

  • Season 7 , Ep 2
  • 02/13/2003
  • Views: 26,183

Bill Burr hates taking the subway. (1:43)

I HATE TAKING THE SUBWAY'CAUSE I HAVE A VERY, LIKE,

HOWDY DOODY KIND OF,"MUG ME" KIND OF FACE.

NO, PEOPLE TEND TO MESS WITH MEWHEN I'M ON THE TRAIN, YOU KNOW?

SO I DON'T LOOK AT ANYBODYWHEN I'M ON THE TRAIN.

I JUST, LIKE,STARE AT THE FLOOR, YOU KNOW?

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

ONE NIGHT, I'M SITTING THERE.I'M STARING AT THE FLOOR.

THERE'S, LIKE, 20 OTHER PEOPLEIN THE MIDDLE OF THE TRAIN.

ALL OF A SUDDEN,I HEAR THIS LADY'S VOICE

AT THE BACK OF THE TRAIN--I SWEAR TO GOD.

SHE'S SITTING THERE;SHE'S GOING--

SHE'S GOING,"OW!

LET GO OF MY NECK."

I SWEAR TO GOD.SHE'S LIKE, "OW!

"YOU'RE HURTING ME.

LET GO OF MY NECK."

AND YOU KNOW, IT'S, LIKE,YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK

WHEN SOME STUFFLIKE THAT'S HAPPENING.

YOU KNOW, YOU TRY TO IGNORE IT.

YOU'RE JUST SIT THERE GOINGLIKE, "SETTLE THAT.

"MAKE IT GO AWAY.

DON'T WANT TO SEETHE REST OF THAT."

BUT IT JUST KEEPS GOING.

SHE'S GOING,"I SAID OW!

"YOU'RE HURTING ME.

LET GO OF MY NECK!"

SO FINALLY, I GOT TO LOOK.

I LOOK DOWN--I SWEAR TO GOD, MAN--

THIS DUDE HAS GOT HIS GIRL,

LIKE, RIGHT BYTHE BACK OF THE NECK.

HE'S GOING,"YOU SHUT THE HELL UP.

YOU SHUT UP."

SHE'S LIKE, "AHH!"

"SHUT UP!""WAH!"

SO I DON'T KNOWWHAT THE HELL TO DO, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE IT'S, LIKE,I REALLY WANT TO HELP HER OUT,

BUT I REALLY DON'T KNOWHOW TO FIGHT,

SO WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA WALK DOWNTHE END OF THE TRAIN.

FIVE SECOND LATER,I'M GONNA BE GOING, "AHH!

"LET GO OF MY NECK.AHH!

"I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.

WAH!"

SO I DIDN'T DO A DAMN THING.

I DIDN'T.I JUST SAT THERE.

I WAS LIKE,"TO HELL WITH HER.

"SHE PICKED HIM.IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

I DON'T KNOW IF SHE'S INTO THATKIND OF THING BUT..."

[laughter]

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