Tony Roberts - Cook It Slow

Season 1 , Ep 1 07/11/10 Views: 10,623

A bum on Hollywood Boulevard attempted to sell Tony Roberts an unconscious deer. (1:42)

LICK YOUR LIPS. LICK YOUR LIPS.

LOOK LIKE YOU KISSEDA ROLLERBLADE.

YOU EVER SEE SOMEBODY'S LIPSSO CHAPPED

THEY MAKE YOU PUTYOUR [...] ON?

OH.MM-MM!

LICK YOUR BOTTOM LIP.TRY TO LICK THE BOTTOM LIP.

MAN, I DON'T KNOW YOU.I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU KNOW.

I'VE BEEN SLAPPED BEFORE.

YOU EVER BEEN SLAPPED SO HARD,YOU START DOING SOMETHING ELSE?

BAM! OH...

[laughter]

GET OUT!I JUST MOPPED THAT FLOOR!

LEAVE IT!

FIRST TIME HERE--

IF IT'S YOUR FIRST TIME IN L.A.,GO TO HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD.

YOU CAN BUY ANYTHING.

A BUM TRIED TO SELL MEA DEER.

HE SAID, "YO, YOU EAT MEAT?"

"WHERE THE HELLYOU FIND A DEER AT?"

IT WASN'T EVEN DEAD.IT WAS UNCONSCIOUS.

IT STARTED WAKING UP.

HE SAID, "WAIT A MINUTE,BROTHER--HOLD ON.

"SHUT THE--

YOU GOT TO COOK IT SLOW."

WHERE YOU FIND A DEER?

I SEEN A WHITE LADYWITH YELLOW TEETH TODAY.

SHE LOOKED LIKEA DEVILED EGG.

I SAID, "MY MAMA MAKEDEVILED EGGS!

"LET ME CALL MY MAMA.

"MAMA, THEY GOTDEVILED EGGS OUT HERE

IN A WHITE LADY'S FACE."

[laughter]

YOU EVER BEEN IN YOUR CAR, YOUSEE SOMEBODY DOING SOMETHING,

YOU GOT TO HONK YOUR HORN,TELL THEM TO STOP?

I SEEN A MAN DIGGING--I DIDN'T EVEN SEE HIS KNUCKLE.

IT'S GONE.

HE IS SCRATCHINGHIS MEMORIES.

"OH, I SHOULDN'T HAVE DID THATLAST NIGHT. OH, LORD."

I SAID--[imitates car horn honking]

GET THE--[grunting]

[cheers and applause]

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