Janeane Garofalo - Save Your Sandals

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 01/22/2010
  • Views: 58,578

Janeane Garofalo explains why flip-flops will be impractical when the rapture comes. (2:45)

I DON'T MEAN TO BEPREACHING AT YOU, AT ALL.

BUT IF YOU CAN LEAVEHERE EDIFIED IN SOME WAY,

YOU GOT THE SPANX.

THE SECOND THING IS FLIP-FLOPS.NOT POLITICALLY.

ON YOUR FEET, FLIP-FLOPS,OPEN-TOED SHOES.

OPEN-TOED FOR THE FELLAS."MANDALS," WHATEVER,

WHAT YOU'RE WEARING,I DON'T KNOW.

THE SLIP-ON SHOES.

THERE'S A LOT OF CONCERNS HERE,BUT THE FIRST ONE I WILL ADDRESS

IS GENDER-SPECIFIC,AND THEN WE'LL WIDEN OUT.

THIS ONE'S FOR THE FELLASWITH THE OPEN-TOED SHOES.

GUYS, WHAT CAN WE DO TO GETYOU TO CLIP YOUR TOENAILS?

(laughter)

WHAT DO YOU THINK COLLECTIVELYAS A CULTURE,

WE COULD DO TO GET YOU TO CLIPYOUR TOENAILS?

ALSO,YOUR HEELS ARE SO DRY.(laughter)

YOUR HEELS ARE SO VERY DRY,

IT ACTUALLY GIVES METHE SHIVERS.

THEY'RE SO--THEY'RE PARCHED,YOUR HEELS.

LISTEN, THERE'S A REALLY SIMPLEWAY TO REMEDY THIS, FELLAS,

WITH YOUR HEELS.

DO YOU KNOW THE LOTIONTHAT'S BY YOUR BED?

I'M NOT JUDGING.I'M NOT ACCUSING AT ALL.(laughter)

I'M AGNOSTIC AT BESTABOUT IT--

THE LOTION THAT'S BY YOUR BED.

THE LOTIONTHAT'S BY YOUR BED.

OF AN EVENING WHEN YOU BENDTO THE TASK,

JUST TAKE AN EXTRA DOLLOPOF LOTION

AND HIT THE HEELON THE WAY UP.

YOU'RE GOING THAT WAY.JUST HIT THE HEEL.

(laughter)

AND THEN GET 'ER AGAINON THE WAY DOWN.

AND THEN YOU PUTA SOCK OVER THAT.

NOW GET A NEW SOCK.DON'T--I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

GET UP, OPEN THE DRAWER,GET ANOTHER SOCK,

PUT IT ON, AND THEN YOU WAKE UPIN THE MORNING

AND YOU GOT SUPPLE HEELS,YOU'RE WELCOME.(laughter)

NOW SECONDLY,THIS IS FOR BOTH GENDERS.

THIS IS ABOUT THE RAPTURE,AS YOU KNOW,

THE RAPTURE'S COMIN'.NO "G".

IT'S LIKE SCRAPBOOKIN'.IT'S NO FUN IF THERE'S A "G".

THE RAPTURE'S COMIN'.

AND ALSO AS YOU KNOW,SCIENTIFICALLY SPEAKING,

THE HUMAN BODYIS 90% OILY RAGS,

WHICH MEANS A LOT OF US AREGONNA GO UP LIKE A POWDER KEG.(laughter)

THE ATHEISTS, THE JEWS--

I DIDN'T WRITE THE RULES,BUT THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.

THERE'S GONNA BE A LOTOF BURSTING INTO FLAMES,

AND SO THE REST OF YOUGOOD PEOPLE ARE GONNA HAVE

TO BOB AND WEAVEAND NEGOTIATE.

IN SANDALS?ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO MOVELIKE LIGHTENING,

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA GETRAPTURED UP QUICK AS PAN,

AND YOU'RE GONNA LOSE AT LEASTONE FLIP-FLOP, AT LEAST.(laughter)

AT LEAST.

AND SO YOU'RE GONNA BE WALKINGAROUND LIKE THIS,

AND IT'S HELL ON YOUR BACK.(laughter)

OKAY, THIS,LAST BUT NOT LEAST.

THE ZOMBIES, THE UNDEAD,BACKSLASH, THE INFECTED--

HAVE YOU SEEN HOW FASTTHEY'RE RUNNING?

HAVE YOU SEEN--HEY, THIS IS NOTYOUR FATHER'S ZOMBIE.

LISTEN, IN MY DAY, THE UNDEAD,THEY WERE UNWIELDY.

THEY MOVED LIKE THIS.

YOU COULD PRETENDTO BE ONE OF THEM.

YOU COULD SHOVE THEM.YOU HAD A REAL SHOT.

THAT'S NOT THE CASE ANYMORE.

THERE'S A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT IT.IT'S CALLED "28 DAYS LATER."(laughter)

IT HAPPENED IN LONDON!JESUS!(applause)

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