Daniel Tosh - Personal Line of Decency

Season 1 , Ep 101 03/06/11 Views: 80,268

Daniel Tosh proposes that only illegal immigrants should serve on jury duty. (2:25)

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IF I OFFEND ANYONE TONIGHT,I APOLOGIZE.

THAT'S NOT MY INTENTION.

I'M NOT GONNA GUESS WHAT YOURPERSONAL LINE OF DECENCY IS.

I CROSS MY OWNFROM TIME TO TIME.

IT'S HOW I KNOWI STILL HAVE ONE.

ALL RIGHT.

I HAVE NO PROBLEMWITH ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION

IN THIS COUNTRYEXCEPT FOR THE FACT

THAT THEY DON'T SERVEON JURY DUTY.

THAT'S HORSE SHIT.

IT SHOULD BETHE OTHER WAY AROUND.

THEY SHOULD SERVE EXCLUSIVELYON JURY DUTY.

YEAH.

[cheers and applause]

THEN IT FINALLY WOULD BEA JURY OF ONE'S OWN PEERS.

[crowd groaning]

[laughter and applause]

IT'S NOT A STEREOTYPEIF IT'S ALWAYS TRUE.

YEAH, THEN IT BECOMES LAW.

THAT JOKE IS CALLED"LATINOS ARE CRIMINALS."

THAT'S JUST THE TITLE.

IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

SOMETIMES BEFOREI WALK ON STAGE,

MY GIRLFRIEND MIGHT SAY,"HAVE A GOOD SHOW. BREAK A LEG."

THIS IS WHAT SHE SAIDTO ME A FEW WEEKS AGO

RIGHT BEFORE I WALKEDON STAGE.

SHE GOES, "HEY, YOU EVER WORRYABOUT GETTING SHOT

WHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE?"

I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE HELLIS WRONG WITH YOU?"

SHE FOLLOWED IT WITH,"YOU SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE."

UH, YOU SHOULD GO BACKTO READING YOUR VAMPIRE BOOKS.

[laughter and cheers]

I SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE?

AS IF A SNIPERWOULD GET FRUSTRATED.

LIKE...

"I CAN'T KEEP UP.HE LIVES."

A LOT OF TIMES, PEOPLE COMPLAINTHAT THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

TAKES TOO LONG TO GET READYTO GO OUT AT NIGHT.

I'VE NEVER HAD THAT COMPLAINT.

AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSEI NEVER WANT TO GO ANYWHERE.

SO I COULD CARE LESS HOW LONGIT TAKES HER TO GET READY.

THAT'S JUST LESS TIMEI HAVE TO SPEND

WITH HER HORRIBLE FRIENDSPRETENDING

THAT I DON'T WANTTO KILL MYSELF.

YEAH.[cheers and applause]

SHE'LL TAKE AN HOUR AND A HALFTO GET READY,

COME DOWN AND BE LIKE,"OH, MY GOODNESS.

YOU ARE SO PATIENT."

AND I'LL BE LIKE, "FOR WHAT?YOU LOOK DISGUSTING."

RIGHT? YEAH.

NOW SHE'S CRYING.WHATEVER.

I BOUGHT MYSELF AN EXTRATWO HOURS TO WATCH THE GAME.

YEAH.YEAH.

IT'S NOT LIKESHE'S GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME.

SHE'S TEN YEARS YOUNGER.

SHE'S ONE OPINION AWAYFROM BEING REPLACED.

I CAN SAY THAT.I HAVE A TELEVISION SHOW.

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