Maria Bamford - Cults

  • Season 5 , Ep 2
  • 07/01/2001
  • Views: 26,122

Being in a cult is great -- the spaceship is coming. (2:56)

ATTITUDE AT WORK.

STOP BEING A TEAM PLAYER.

FORGET WHY I STARTED TEMPING IN

THE FIRST PLACE, WHICH WAS TO

MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

(LAUGHTER)

I REMEMBER ONE DAY, ONE DAY

I WAS SITTING IN THE EMPLOYEE

KITCHEN DRINKING NON-DAIRY

CREAMER STRAIGHT FROM THE

CARTON.

(LAUGHTER)

AND A GIRLFRIEND, SHE CAME UP TO

ME AND SAID, "MARIA, I'VE BEEN

TAKING THIS CLASS THAT'S REALLY

CHANGED MY LIFE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME TONIGHT?

IT'S AT 7:30 PM AT THE

DOUBLETREE SANTA MONICA.

THERE'S NO OBLIGATION.

AND IT'S FREE."

(LONG PAUSE)

"SURE I'LL JOIN YOUR CULT.

(LAUGHTER)

ALWAYS WANTED TO BE IN ONE.

YOU KNOW?

GET TO WEAR A UNIFORM.

HAVE ANY MAJOR LIFE QUESTIONS.

YOU CHECK THE MANUAL.

THERE IS A GOD.

THERE IS A PLAN.

AND THE SPACE SHIP IS COMING."

THEY SAT ME DOWN WITH THE GURU.

SHE SAID, "MARIA WHAT'S

SOMETHING YOU WANT TO MAKE

MANIFEST OUT OF YOUR LIFE?"

"LIKE A NEW CAR."

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?"

"A NEW, NEW CAR?"

"WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?"

"TOYOTA 4-RUNNER SR-5 LIMITED

LEATHER INTERIOR THAT RUNS ON

DREAMS AND STARLIGHT."

(LAUGHTER)

SHE GOT MAD AT ME BECAUSE I

DIDN'T HAVE THE CASH FOR THE

BRAIN WASH WEEKEND.

"MARIA, LET'S THINK OF ALL THE

WAYS WE CAN GET $495 TONIGHT.

DO YOU HAVE A CHARGE CARD?"

"NOPE."

"DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU CAN

SELL?"

"I BET MY SOUL MIGHT BE WORTH

SOMETHING."

"IS THERE ANYONE YOU CAN BORROW

IT FROM?"

"OH MAN IF YOU COULD SPOT ME?"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"MARIA, WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?"

"BEARS."

"WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?"

"THE NORTH AMERICAN GRIZZLY."

"WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?!"

"GOD IT'S.

IT'S WEIRD BECAUSE I'M,

I'M ALMOST AFRAID OF BEING

SUCKED INTO A CRAZY, CREEPY

CULT.

WHY?

WHY AM I SO AFRAID?"

AH, MAN.

SHE SAID I WAS AFRAID OF

SUCCESS.

WHICH MAY IN FACT BE TRUE.

BECAUSE I HAVE A FEELING THAT

FULFILLING MY POTENTIAL WOULD

REALLY CUT INTO MY SITTING

AROUND TIME.

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