HI. I [bleep] GIRLS, BY THE WAY.SURPRISE, EVERYBODY.
(laughter)
PEOPLE TEND NOT TO BELIEVE MEWHEN I TELL THEM THAT.
NOT HERE IN NEW YORK, OBVIOUSLY,OR IN L.A. WHERE I'M FROM,
BUT IN THE MIDDLE PARTOF THE COUNTRY,
THE KIND OF UUCHPART OF THE COUNTRY,
THE KIND OF GROSS,YUCK PART OF THE COUNTRY.
IT'S WORSE THAN YOU THINK,IT'S MUCH WO--BASICALLY,
WHEN I STEP EAST OF LOS ANGELES,IT'S JUST BANJO MUSIC
ALL THE WAY TO NEW YORK,
WHERE JAY-Z GREETS MEWITH A TOP HAT,
(cheers and applause)A LITTLE MONOCLE.
A PEANUT BODY.
JAY-Z IS THE PLANTERS PEANUT.
NOT EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.
ANYWAY, WHY CAN'T WE JUSTSEPARATE OUT COMPLETELY?
I'M ONLY INTERESTED INTHE OUTER DOUGHNUT OF AMERICA.
BASICALLY,THAT'S THE ONLY GOOD PART.
CAN'T WE JUST SEPARATE IT OUTCOMPLETELY?
IT'S NOT LIKE THEY LIKE US.
THEY'RE NOT CLAMORING TO GET TOTHE COAST AND GET TO A GAY CLUB.
THEY DON'T LIKE US.WE DON'T LIKE THEM.
I PROPOSE THAT WE GET A HUGEJACK-O-LANTERN CARVING KNIFE
BUT, I MEAN, A BIG, BIG ONE,
ONE THAT ONLY GOD'S FISTCOULD WRAP AROUND,
WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS THE NAMEOF MY BLACK METAL BAND,
IF ANYBODY'S INTERESTED.
AND WE GIVE IT TO GOD,AND HE'S A JEW, SO HE'S LIBERAL.
HE'S ON BOARD WITH MY PLAN.
AND HE STABS INTO THECONTINENTAL SHELF
OF THE UNITED STATES AND STARTSCARVING US UP A NEW COUNTRY,
IT'S AMAZING, AND THENWHAT WE DO WHEN HE GETS DONE--
BACK TO THIS CENTERAND WE CORE OUT THE MIDDLE,
THE DOUGHNUT HOLE OR THE(bleep) HOLE, IF YOU WILL,
IS THAT WE DUNK THEMUNDERNEATH THE OCEAN,
NOT TO KILL THEM
BUT JUST TO TEACH THEMA LESSON.
(laughter)
AND THENWE WILL THEN FLOAT IT OVER HERE,
WHERE WE WILL ALLOW ITTO RESURFACE
AND WE WILL BUILD A HIGHWAY,A CORRIDOR OF TRADE
TO IMPORT THINGSLIKE BANJOES AND MOONSHINE
AND TWIRLY MUSTACHESFOR OLD-TIMER HIPSTER BANDS.
(applause)
AND NOW THE BEST PARTOF MY PLAN--
THE WHOLE DOUGHNUT STATES
OF AMERICA IS ALLBEACHFRONT PROPERTY.
NOW THAT MIGHT NOT MEANVERY MUCH TO US,
US SELFISH COASTAL PRICKS,
BUT THERE'S SOMEONEIN DENVER WHO'S REALLY
GONNA APPRECIATE THE WORKWE DID HERE TONIGHT.
(applause)THAT IS MY TREATISE.
IF YOU ENJOY THAT JOKE,YOU'RE CORRECT.
(laughter)
IF YOU DID NOT,ENJOY YOUR TRIP TO NEW YORK.