Vic Henley - International Sports

  • Season 9 , Ep 16
  • 05/28/2005
  • Views: 8,684

There's no hate like international sports hate. (3:14)

IF YOU EVER GET A CHANCE,

THOUGH, GO TO ANOTHER COUNTRY.

SEE SPORTS, 'CAUSE IT'S TOTALLY,

THERE'S NO HATRED LIKE

INTERNATIONAL HATRED, EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T MEAN POLITICAL HATRED.

I MEAN SPORTS HATRED, YOU KNOW?

ALL OUR SPORTS OVER HERE AND

ONLY 150, 160 YEARS OLD,

YOU KNOW.

I WAS AT AN ENGLAND VS. GERMANY

SOCCER GAME.

THAT GOES BACK 1800 YEARS,

EVERYBODY.

THAT GOES BACK TO BEHEADING

THE KING, PUTTING IT ON THE

STAKE, PEEING ON IT, SETTING IT

ON FIRE, AND RUNNING THE

[BLEEP] DAMN THING THROUGH TOWN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

SO, "GO YANKEES" DOESN'T REALLY

MEASURE UP AFTER THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, I'M OUTSIDE, IT'S ENGLAND

AGAINST GERMANY.

IT'S THE LAST GAME AT WEMBLEY,

AND I'M OUTSIDE THE STADIUM.

AND BECAUSE IT'S ENGLAND AGAINST

GERMANY, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE

HANGING PEOPLE FROM TREES AND

SETTING CARS ON FIRE AND HITTING

LITTLE KIDS IN THE HEAD WITH

STICKS WITH NAILS IN THEM AND...

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WHEN I TRAVEL, I LIKE TO TRY

TO SHOW EVERYBODY THAT I'M AS

BRILLIANT AS OUR ELECTED

OFFICIALS.

SO I'M WATCHING ALL THIS OUTSIDE

THE STADIUM.

I'M WATCHING ALL THIS CARNAGE

AND WITH NO SENSE OF IDIOCY

AT ALL, I TURN TO MY TWO BRITISH

FRIENDS,I'M LIKE, "[SNIFFS] MAN,

YOU GUYS REALLY HATE THE

GERMANS, DON'T YOU?"

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT.

BEING FROM ALABAMA, I LIKE ONCE

A YEAR TO AT LEAST SAY ONE THING

THAT PROVES TO ME I'M NEVER

MORE THAN THREE STEPS AWAY FROM,

"YOU AIN'T GOT NO LEGS,

LIEUTENANT DAN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU GUYS REALLY HATE THE

GERMANS."

OKAY, AND IF THAT'S NOT BAD

ENOUGH, I'LL BACK THAT UP WITH,

"HOW COME?"

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT.

SO, MY BUDDY TURNS AROUND HE

GOES, "THEY BOMBED US, DUMBASS."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE, "OOH, I FORGOT ABOUT

THAT."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SO THE BRITISH DECIDED TO DO

WHAT I THINK THEY DO AS WELL AS

ANYBODY, RIGHT?

SO THEY'RE LOSING AT HOME,

SO THEY DECIDE THEY'RE GONNA

HECKLE, ALL RIGHT?

AND WHEN THE ENGLISH HECKLE,

THEY SING SONGS, ALL RIGHT?

AND THEY'RE REALLY GOOD AT IT.

THEY'LL MAKE UP A SONG ON YOU

IN A SECOND, RIGHT?

SO, MIDWAY THROUGH THE FIRST

HALF, LOSING TO GERMANY,

ALL THE BRITISH FANS START

SINGING TO THE GERMAN FANS,

"IF YOU WON THE WAR, STAND UP."

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT.

I THINK THIS IS THE GREATEST

THING I'VE EVER HEARD AT A

SPORTING EVENT.

'CAUSE THERE'S NO SNAPPY

COMEBACK FOR THAT, IS THERE,

EVERYBODY?

"YOU SUCK!"

NOTHING.

AND THE BEST PART IS THEY DO IT

LIKE THE WAY, RIGHT?

THEY DON'T JUST SING IT ONE TIME

AND SIT LIKE...

SO LIKE A WHOLE SECTION OF

PEOPLE, RIGHT, THEY GO,

♪ IF YOU WON THE WAR

♪ STAND UP

THEN THEY ALL STAND.

THEN THEY SIT.

THEN THE NEXT SECTION SINGS IT,

STANDS AND SITS.

SO IT'S JUST LIKE THE WAVE

WITH A "[BLEEP] YOU" RIGHT IN

THE MIDDLE OF IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT SO CAUGHT UP IN IT

I ACTUALLY STOOD AND TRIED

TO GET THEM TO SING,

IF YOU SKIPPED

THE FIRST COUPLE OF YEARS

OF THE WAR

BUT STILL CAME IN LATE

AT THE END AND CONTRIBUTED

SIGNIFICANTLY...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

STAND UP."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

TOO WORDY.

[LAUGHTER]

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