IF YOU EVER GET A CHANCE,
THOUGH, GO TO ANOTHER COUNTRY.
SEE SPORTS, 'CAUSE IT'S TOTALLY,
THERE'S NO HATRED LIKE
INTERNATIONAL HATRED, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I DON'T MEAN POLITICAL HATRED.
I MEAN SPORTS HATRED, YOU KNOW?
ALL OUR SPORTS OVER HERE AND
ONLY 150, 160 YEARS OLD,
YOU KNOW.
I WAS AT AN ENGLAND VS. GERMANY
SOCCER GAME.
THAT GOES BACK 1800 YEARS,
EVERYBODY.
THAT GOES BACK TO BEHEADING
THE KING, PUTTING IT ON THE
STAKE, PEEING ON IT, SETTING IT
ON FIRE, AND RUNNING THE
[BLEEP] DAMN THING THROUGH TOWN.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
RIGHT?
SO, "GO YANKEES" DOESN'T REALLY
MEASURE UP AFTER THAT.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SO, I'M OUTSIDE, IT'S ENGLAND
AGAINST GERMANY.
IT'S THE LAST GAME AT WEMBLEY,
AND I'M OUTSIDE THE STADIUM.
AND BECAUSE IT'S ENGLAND AGAINST
GERMANY, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE
HANGING PEOPLE FROM TREES AND
SETTING CARS ON FIRE AND HITTING
LITTLE KIDS IN THE HEAD WITH
STICKS WITH NAILS IN THEM AND...
[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
WHEN I TRAVEL, I LIKE TO TRY
TO SHOW EVERYBODY THAT I'M AS
BRILLIANT AS OUR ELECTED
OFFICIALS.
SO I'M WATCHING ALL THIS OUTSIDE
THE STADIUM.
I'M WATCHING ALL THIS CARNAGE
AND WITH NO SENSE OF IDIOCY
AT ALL, I TURN TO MY TWO BRITISH
FRIENDS,I'M LIKE, "[SNIFFS] MAN,
YOU GUYS REALLY HATE THE
GERMANS, DON'T YOU?"
[LAUGHTER]
RIGHT.
BEING FROM ALABAMA, I LIKE ONCE
A YEAR TO AT LEAST SAY ONE THING
THAT PROVES TO ME I'M NEVER
MORE THAN THREE STEPS AWAY FROM,
"YOU AIN'T GOT NO LEGS,
LIEUTENANT DAN."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
"YOU GUYS REALLY HATE THE
GERMANS."
OKAY, AND IF THAT'S NOT BAD
ENOUGH, I'LL BACK THAT UP WITH,
"HOW COME?"
[LAUGHTER]
RIGHT.
SO, MY BUDDY TURNS AROUND HE
GOES, "THEY BOMBED US, DUMBASS."
[LAUGHTER]
I'M LIKE, "OOH, I FORGOT ABOUT
THAT."
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
SO THE BRITISH DECIDED TO DO
WHAT I THINK THEY DO AS WELL AS
ANYBODY, RIGHT?
SO THEY'RE LOSING AT HOME,
SO THEY DECIDE THEY'RE GONNA
HECKLE, ALL RIGHT?
AND WHEN THE ENGLISH HECKLE,
THEY SING SONGS, ALL RIGHT?
AND THEY'RE REALLY GOOD AT IT.
THEY'LL MAKE UP A SONG ON YOU
IN A SECOND, RIGHT?
SO, MIDWAY THROUGH THE FIRST
HALF, LOSING TO GERMANY,
ALL THE BRITISH FANS START
SINGING TO THE GERMAN FANS,
"IF YOU WON THE WAR, STAND UP."
[LAUGHTER]
RIGHT.
I THINK THIS IS THE GREATEST
THING I'VE EVER HEARD AT A
SPORTING EVENT.
'CAUSE THERE'S NO SNAPPY
COMEBACK FOR THAT, IS THERE,
EVERYBODY?
"YOU SUCK!"
NOTHING.
AND THE BEST PART IS THEY DO IT
LIKE THE WAY, RIGHT?
THEY DON'T JUST SING IT ONE TIME
AND SIT LIKE...
SO LIKE A WHOLE SECTION OF
PEOPLE, RIGHT, THEY GO,
♪ IF YOU WON THE WAR
♪ STAND UP
THEN THEY ALL STAND.
THEN THEY SIT.
THEN THE NEXT SECTION SINGS IT,
STANDS AND SITS.
SO IT'S JUST LIKE THE WAVE
WITH A "[BLEEP] YOU" RIGHT IN
THE MIDDLE OF IT.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
I GOT SO CAUGHT UP IN IT
I ACTUALLY STOOD AND TRIED
TO GET THEM TO SING,
IF YOU SKIPPED
THE FIRST COUPLE OF YEARS
OF THE WAR
BUT STILL CAME IN LATE
AT THE END AND CONTRIBUTED
SIGNIFICANTLY...
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
STAND UP."
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
TOO WORDY.
[LAUGHTER]