Ron White - Rescuing a Tooth - Uncensored

Disaster 03/29/2016 Views: 7,328

While Ron White was on tour, he lost a tooth and went to extremely messy lengths to recover it. (7:00)

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- The only thingthat's kept me going

is I started to--pretendin'

that that wasNancy Grace's mouth.

'Cause if you just thought,you know,

"I'm just shittingin Nancy Grace's mouth,"

then you can keep going,you know.

You can keep goingfor a little while.

- [growls]

[dark electronic music]

[power up whine]

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome to"This Is Not Happening."

I'm your host, Ari Shaffir.

Tonight, all the storiesare about disasters.

One of the greatest comics of all time--

Mr. Ron White, everybody. [cheers and applause]

- I was, uh, workingmost of my gigs

for the Funny Bone Comedy Clubout of St. Louis.

They own 21 comedy clubs.

And I was a prominentheadliner for them in 1996

and, uh, making about2 grand a week.

They would fly me to the gigs.

And I wasn't paying my taxes,

so it even felt like I wasmaking more money than I was...

and, uh, living prettyfucking good, and...

And, uh, so the guythat owned that chain of clubs

realized that I was working42 weeks a year for him,

so he didn't have topay me that much money.

Because what the fuck elsewould I do, you know?

Where am I gonna goget those kinda gigs, you know?

I just--I don't know.

And so he cuts my payfrom 2 grand and air

to 1,500...flat, and, uh...

I told him to go eata steamin' bowl of fuck.

Okay, cut to years later.

Blue Collar Comedy Tourhappens.

We sell 10 million albums.

I start touring.I play Radio City Music Hall.

You know, just thingsI never even dreamed of.

I'm from a little dirt townin Northwest Texas.

And, uh, I'm on my tour bus.

It's late at night,and I'm driving back to Atlanta.

And Wednesday nightwhen I get back to Atlanta,

where I have a house,

I'm gonna be the auctioneerat this huge charity event,

in a tuxedo,called the East Lake Foundation,

and it's part of the endof the golf season

with the East Lake course.

So that's my big charityof the year,

so it's a big deal,and I do it every year.

And I'm real fucking drunkin my bus, which happens--

we get what we callbus fucked up in that bus

where your only goal

is to stay sober enoughto make it

to where your fuckin' bunkis and, uh...

and I've barely done it.

And underneathmy bed on the bunk,

there's a drawerthat's refrigerated,

and I can get water.

And I've just hada bunch of dental work done,

and all these are crownson the front of my teeth,

and, uh, so--and one of 'em had been loose,

and it had fallen off,and it was this one right here,

that bad boy right there.

And I stuck it back on with apiece of toilet paper in there,

and it had been on therefor quite a while.

It stuck on,and it looked great.

Look, my teeth look great.None of them are real.

None of this shit's real.None of it.

Not one fuckingthing in this is real.

And, uh, so I'm gulpingdown this water

drunk on my bus late at night,

and the tooth comes off,and I swallow it.

And, uh, and I understandthe ramifications of this

the second that it happensbecause

we live here, too,

and the dentist that did it'sin Beverly Hills.

That took cost 2,000fuckin' dollars.

And I need itfor Wednesday night...

and I know where it is.

So I go onto the internet:

"What do you doif you swallow a tooth?"

Well, it says take laxatives--

which I figuredthat was part of it--

and shit in a trash can

and then mull aroundin the trash can...

- Oh!- Until you find your tooth.

Now, I literally have a tenthgrade high school education.

I didn't graduate from highschool, didn't go to college,

didn't do any of those things.

And, uh--but still...

I thought, "Strainer."

[laughter]

Shit in a strainer.

Take the strainerover to the sink,

and like you're pannin'for fucking gold.

Just run water...over the turd

and let it dissolve,and whatever's left is left.

But you're not gonna missthis fuckin' turd, right?

So I take everything--I'm doingthese fuckin' liquid things,

I'm doing everything,'cause I gotta get--

This tooth'sgotta come out by Wednesday,

'cause I need it so fuckin' bad.

And it's really going bad,and I take--

I'm eating a lot of food.

I'm trying to shovelthe stuff out.

Anyone herewith the rest of the story?

It's gross, I know.I know it is.

And I'm actuallyholding the strainer

underneath my butt,shittin' in it,

trying to find this preciouspiece of porcelain.

But then I find at the storethis thing

where it's a strainer,but it has these things

that you can pull outand put it on a pot

or a pot...

and so now I'm fuckin'hooked up, right?

So, like, I can put this thingdown then put the lid down,

and I don't have to holdthis thing between my legs

to shit my tooth into my fucki''bucket, right?

So now I'm way morehigh-tech than I used to be...

and it's day two.

And I'm like, "Oh, my God,come on, Wednesday, come on,"

and I'm justso fuckin' sick of this.

I been sitting on these fuckin'commodes for two days.

And I really--I was so sick of it,

and the only thingthat kept me going

was I started to--

pretending that that wasNancy Grace's mouth.

And...[laughter]

'Cause if you just thought,you know,

"I'm just shitting inNancy Grace's mouth,"

then you can keep going,you know.

You can keep goingfor a little while.

Day three.

Turd. Nice turd we catchin the strainer...bucket.

High-tech.Take it over.

Rinsin' it off.

Last chance for romanceright here.

My gig is in four hours.

And there's the tooth.

I found the fuckin' tooth.

And I put it inthe dishwasher...

[laughter]

You think I was just gonnashove it back in my mouth?

And we go down there,

and the fuckin' gig waspostponed till the next night.

I was like...oh, my God.

Anyway, there's my story.Thanks a lot, guys.

[cheers and applause]

[dark electronic music]