I'm So Bad

  • Season 2 , Ep 2
  • 04/08/2014
  • Views: 117,670

Female friends out to lunch try to console each other about their eating habits. (2:28)

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You're so luckyyour dad's dead.

You're telling me.

You guys, I didn't knowmy food came with fries.

I am not eating them.

I have had frieslike three times this week.

I'm so bad.

You can afford it.

No.Who cares?

I ate like, three cansof Pringles yesterday.

Once you pop,they're not joking.

I'm so bad.

Those are like air.

They're literally air.

You don't look fat at all.

No, I was cyberbullying my nieceon Instagram the other day,

and I literallyate 15 mini muffins.

I'm so bad.

They're like pellets,that's nothing.

Are they big muffins?

No.No, they're mini.

Do you know what"mini" means?

It means smaller than big.

Yesterday,after I knelt on my gerbil

to hear what soundit would make,

I like, wasn't thinking.

I ate a ball of mozzarellalike it was a peach.

I'm so bad.

You always look great.

No, I think that's, like,negative calories.

I'm seriously bad.

I can't get out of bedwithout having a calzone.

The other morning,

when that woman walked offthe GW bridge,

I didn't doanything to help her.

It's because I waschewing my calzone.

I'm so bad.

Are you serious?

You're a (bleep) saint.

I'm the bad one.

Two weeks agowhen I was having--

Well, there's no term

for how late termof an abortion this was.

Anyhoo, I literally atean entire bucket of wings

and chased it witha 16-ounce lobster.

I'm like, why am Istill eating for two?

I'm so bad.

Wait, I'm really ashamed

I just told you guysthat I ate like that.

Do you think I'm a monster?

No!No!

Seafood, it's good for you.

Yeah.

I'm sorry aboutyour abortion.

I took that guy thatI'm dating to the restaurant

where he was molestedand he left crying

and guess who stayed

and ate the entire restof his birthday cake?

Me.

I was like, that'll do, pig.

Oink, oink.I'm so bad.

You're not bad.

You're stick thin.

Your thigh gap is, like,the envy of every thigh gap.

Last Saturday, after I tooka smoke machine to the burn unit

to see how they'd react,

I ate so much General Tso'sthey gave me his hat.

It looks insane on me.

I'm so bad.

Shut your dick off.

You look amazing in hatsand you know this.

My dad says I don'tlook good in anything.

Can I offer anyone dessert?

Oh.

If I--

Like, just one bite?

Would you--

Share something?

Four forks?

(all screaming)

(cries out)

My face!

I'm so bad!I'm so bad!

I'm so--I'm so bad.

I'll have the flan.

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