Greg Behrendt - Staying in Relationships Too Long

  • Season 4, Ep 7
  • 01/14/2001
  • Views: 5,438

You ever break up with someone and then realize you should've broken up with them way earlier? (2:45)

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'VE HAD SOME

AWFUL RELATIONSHIPS.

AWFUL.

WELL, WHO HASN'T?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHO HASN'T HAD SOME BAD ONES?

BUT HERE'S A COUPLE THAT I LIKE

TO TELL ABOUT.

YOU EVER GO OUT WITH SOMEBODY

AND THEN YOU BREAK UP WITH THEM,

AND THEN AFTER YOU BREAK UP WITH

THEM YOU REALIZE THAT YOU SHOULD

HAVE BROKEN UP WITH THEM

WAY EARLIER?

WHOA!

WHOA!

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THIS IS THE STORY OF THE VERY

FIRST SIGN THAT I SHOULD HAVE

GOTTEN OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP

THAT I STAYED IN FOR TOO LONG.

I MET THIS GIRL.

WE FELL IN LOVE.

AFTER A BRIEF COURTING PERIOD,

WE MOVE IN TOGETHER.

AFTER LIVING TOGETHER FOR A

COUPLE OF DAYS SHE SAYS--

ALL RIGHT, A COUPLE OF WEEKS--

A COUPLE OF DAYS, A COUPLE OF

WEEKS.

WHO KNOWS?

IT WAS ALL CRAZY AND IN A BLUR.

AFTER LIVING TOGETHER FOR A

COUPLE OF WEEKS, SHE SAYS--

AND I AGREE-- "LET'S GET

GOLDFISH.

THAT'LL BE KIND OF FUN."

I GO, "OKAY.

WE'LL GET SOME GOLDFISH."

HOW BAD COULD THAT BE?

(LAUGHTER)

SO WE GET THESE GOLDFISH,

AND WE GET THEM HOME.

AND WE GIVE 'EM CUTE LITTLE

NAMES.

SHE NAMES HERS SCOUT.

I NAME MINE PAPERCUT.

THEY'RE TOTALLY DIFFERENT FISH.

MINE'S FAT, SITS AT THE BOTTOM

OF THE BOWL AND JUST STARES.

JUST...

(LAUGHTER)

BUT HER FISH IS KIND OF CUTE.

IF YOU GET NEAR THE BOWL,

IT SWIMS TO THE SURFACE OF

THE WATER AND GOES...

(MAKING FISH NOISES)

LIKE IT CAN SEE YOU, LIKE IT

KNOWS YOU'RE THERE.

YOU KNOW?

THEN MY FISH KILLS HER FISH.

IT TURNS OUT HER FISH IS

ACTUALLY SWIMMING TO THE TOP OF

THE WATER GOING, "HEY!

THIS OTHER FISH IS TRYING TO

KILL ME.

PLEASE COME HELP!

OH, I'M A FISH.

I COULD USE SOME HELP."

BUT OBVIOUSLY THEY DON'T HAVE

VOICES, SO I JUST KEPT FEEDING

IT.

"WHAT?

I DON'T-- WHAT?"

MY GIRLFRIEND COMES HOME AND SHE

IS UPSET, LIVID, PISSED.

NOT AT ME.

AT MY FISH, AT MY FISH FOR

KILLING HER FISH.

AND SHE STARTS SCREAMING AT MY

FISH GOING, "YOU WILL RUE THE

DAY!"

FISH DON'T KNOW WHAT "RUE"

MEANS.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

SO SHE SAYS TO ME-- AND I SWEAR

TO YOU THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE--

SHE GOES, "I'M GONNA PUNISH YOUR

FISH."

(LAUGHTER)

"PRAY TELL HOW, MY SWEET?"

SO THIS IS WHAT SHE DID.

SHE TOOK THE GOLDFISH IN THE

BOWL, PUT IT IN THE CLOSET,

LOCKED THE DOOR.

LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN, 'CAUSE

I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE NOT TAKING

THE JOURNEY WITH ME.

(LAUGHTER)

I WANT YOU TO TAKE THE JOURNEY.

SHE TOOK THE GOLDFISH IN THE

BOWL.

SHE PUT IT IN THE CLOSET.

THEN SHE LOCKED THE DOOR.

LOCKED THE DOOR.

SHE LOCKED THE DOOR.

LOCKED IT.

LOCKED THE DOOR.

YES.

YES.

LOCKED IT.

IT'S A GOLDFISH IN THERE,

NOT A COUGAR.

GOLDFISH.

LOCKED THE DOOR.

OOH.

I STAYED WITH HER FOR 6 YEARS.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

YEAH.

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