This is awesome.
Thank you so muchfor coming out.
I really appreciate it.
We're gonna have fun tonight.
I have a dog.I love my dog.
I didn't thinkI was gonna be a dog owner
until those Sarah McLachlancommercials
made me be a dog owner.
They're these ASPCA commercials
that come on late at night
because they know when you'redrinking wine and alone.
Like, they can feel it.
They knowwhen you're vulnerable.
And they just come onout of nowhere.
You're not expecting it.
All of a sudden,you just hear...
♪ In the armsof an angel ♪
♪ Fly away
And most commercialsare 30 seconds.
Not this one.It's five minutes long.
It will not stop, and you'retoo drunk to find the remote,
so you're just like, "What areyou trying to tell me?"
And those dogs stareright into your soul.
Like, they're just like...
I know those are not dogsin that commercial.
I know dogs.Dogs are happy.
Even if they're in a pound,they're still happy.
Those are actorsin dog suits.
And they doa pretty damn good job.
Where are my dog owners here?Who's got a dog?
[cheers and applause]
Dog people are happier people.They just are.
When you see dog people,they're just happier.
And I know why.It's because dogs remind you
of how great life is.That's their job.
You ever had that,where you're just bored?
Not if you have a dog.
Your dog's like,"Hey, you got a ball?"
I'm like, "Yeah, why?"He's like, "Dude, throw it."
I'm like, "All right."So I throw the ball.
He's like, "No frickin' way.It's a ball!"
And he runs,and he comes back,
he's like, "Dude,that's the best thing
"that's ever happened to me.
I just saw a ballfly through the house."
I'm like, "Really?"He's like, "Yeah."
I'm like, "What do I do now?"
He's like, "What kindof a question is that?
You throw that again."
I'm like, "How longdo I do this for?"
He's like, "Dude, do thistill I friggin' die, man.
"This is it for me.This is all I want out of life,
is a lot of ball chasing."
And so I feed off that.
You know, that's how I wantto live my life.
And that's how every one of youshould live your lives.
You figure out whateveryour "throw the ball" is,
and you do it forever.
Unless it's heroin.