Kyle Kinane - 7-Eleven Dinner

Kyle Kinane: Whiskey Icarus Season 1, Ep 1 11/24/2012 Views: 4,293

Even a man who should not have hope left for society tries to talk Kyle Kinane out of his purchase. (2:33)

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I'm lucky I'm a comedian,

'cause otherwise my lifewould just be a series

of undocumented low points.

Like, I had a very--I hada very particular low point.

It was a few months back,

and I was at a 7-Elevenbuying dinner.

And that's notwhere you get a staple.

Nevertheless, I was there.

I think even sadder yet

is I knew exactlywhat I wanted too,

'cause I made a beeline

right forthat little hot dog aquarium

that's on the counterin there.

Which is its own metaphorfor sadness,

'cause all those meats,they're all rolling towards you,

but they're notgaining any ground.

And amongst allthe tumbling, sweaty meats,

there was one loneCheeseburger Bite left in there.

Which, if you don't knowwhat a Cheeseburger Bite is,

I'ma tell you.

It's a cheeseburger, sure,

but it's shapedlike a hot dog.

Because 7-Eleven's wholead campaign right now, I think,

is just "[bleep] it."

"You're gonna eat it.

"You're gonna eat it.

"Oh, you're not gonna eat it?

"Free cheese.

Told you you'd eat it."

But I'm in there,and I'm just pointing it out.

I'm excited about it.

And the midnight clerkat 7-Eleven comes over,

a man who should not have hopeleft for society.

Even this guytried to give me an out.

Even he tried to, like, stopwhat he was about to see.

See, like, the same--like,when a blackjack dealer

sees somebodythat's just wasted,

they're hitting on 20,

and even theycan't take it anymore.

They're just like--just like--

[laughter and applause]

[laughter and applause]

He gave me one of those.He came over,

but he put the question on me,let it be my choice.

He just came over and he's like,"What are you doing?

"Look at what you're doing.

What are you doing?"

He didn't even use tongs,

just grabbed itwith his hands.

Bun, here you go.

I didn't eat it as muchas I made it disappear

like a David Blaine illusion.