Mike Birbiglia - Drinking

  • Season 10 , Ep 6
  • 03/02/2006
  • Views: 18,521

Mike Birbiglia isn't good at drinking. (2:21)

SO, I LIVE HERE INNEW YORK CITY, AND--

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

OH, THANKS.

I'VE GOT AN APARTMENTAND IT'S A LITTLE BIGGER

- THAN MY BODY. AND... - [LAUGHTER]

AND MY FRIEND CAME OVERTO GIVE ME ADVICE.

HE WAS LIKE "YOU GOTTA GET A NICE LITTLE HAND SOAP

FOR YOUR BATHROOM BECAUSE WOMEN LOVE THAT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "DO THEY ALSO LOVE IT WHEN YOU'RE SHOWER'S

ONE FOOT FROM YOUR TOASTER, 'CAUSE I GOT THAT GOIN' ON, TOO?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SAW A MOUSE IN MY APARTMENT THE OTHER DAY.

AND I HAVE A REALLY SMALL PLACE. I WAS LIKE,

- "WHERE ARE YOU GONNA SLEEP?" - [LAUGHTER]

BUT I GOT A GREAT BUILDING. WE GOT OUR OWN DRUG DEALER.

SO EVERY TIME I WALK OUT MY DOOR

THE SAME GUYTRIES TO SELL ME DRUGS.

LIKE I'M WALKING OUTIN THE MORNING TO GET A SNAPPLE

AND HE'LL BE LIKE, "YOU WANT WEED?"

AND I'M LIKE "DO YOU HAVE ANY SNAPPLE?"

'CAUSE I THINK HE SHOULD ALSO SELL SNAPPLE.

THAT WAY HE HOOKS YOU INWITH THE SNAPPLE.

AND THEN HE'S LIKE "YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD GO GREAT WITH THAT SNAPPLE? CRACK."

IT WOULD BE LIKE AMAZON.COM. "IF YOU LIKE SNAPPLE,

- "YOU MIGHT ALSO ENJOY... - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BALLOONS OF HEROIN."

AND I'D GO, "WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY."

I DON'T SMOKE A LOT OF POT ANYMORE.

I'M THE LEAST FUN PERSONTO SMOKE POT WITH.

NO ONE WANTS TO HANG WITH THE GUY WHO ENDS EVERY SENTENCE WITH,

"DO YOU GUYS HATE ME?"

I'M NOT GOOD AT DRINKING EITHER.I JUST BECOME ANOTHER PERSON.

LIKE LAST YEAR WHEN I'M DRINKING AND I MET THIS GIRL,

SHE GAVE ME HER NUMBER.BUT THE NEXT DAY I DIDN'T EVENWANNA CALL HER.

I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE SHE MET ME.

I FELT LIKE SHE MET TWO-DRINK MIKE.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

TWO-DRINK MIKE LOVES DANCING AND KNOWS A MAGIC TRICK.

ZERO-DRINK MIKE ENJOYS BIOGRAPHIES

AND HAS SERIOUS OPINIONS ABOUT WILDLIFE.

AND FIVE-DRINK MIKE ENJOYS DANCING WITH WILDLIFE

AND THAT'S...WHICH IS HOT. WHICH IS HOT.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

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