Burned every book I own.Every single one.
I read about this meetingyou can go to.
I read about it online.
This meeting you can go towhere they burn books.
So I got all my booksin a big bag,
and I drove out of townto this meeting,
threw my bookson this gigantic inferno,
saw all my books burn.
But then, at the endof the meeting,
they started talkingabout Nazi stuff,
and I got the (bleep)out of there.
I thought it wasabout eliminating clutter.
Phew.
That last bitwas entirely made up.
I'm an actor, okay?
That's what I do.
I create facial expressionsthat make you feel something.
That's my skill.
I was a theater majorin college.
That's a shitty major.
Do not become...It's a...
Theater major's a stupid major.It is.
But I wason academic scholarship
and then I used that moneyto become a theater major.
So, that's like,you win the lottery
and you just spend iton Beanie Babies.
You know what I mean?
That's what I didwith that money.
And then you haveto get a real job.
You can't be Dame Judi Denchright away.
Which is my ultimate goal.
And I lived in the Southat the time, and in the South
they don't really knowwhat theater is.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, a lot of people don't knowwhat theater...
Guys in the South thinktheater is, like,
a bunch of gay dudesin a basement,
kissing penises with makeup on.
Which it can be, andthere's nothing wrong with that!
So, I would have to interviewfor jobs,
and these Southern bosseswould see "theater major"
on my résumé,and they would react strangely.
And this is a true story.
One time, this guyat, like, a plumbing company
was looking at my résumé,and he goes,
"Now, I see 'theater'here on your résumé.
Is that gonna interferewith your ability to... work?"
And I was, like,"No, I'm very responsible.
I'll be here every day,9:00 a.m., ready to go."
And he really said this.He goes,
"Yeah, but you're an actor.
You could be lying to me,and I wouldn't even know."
I'm not a sociopath.
When you get a theater degree,you don't get special powers.
This guy's, like,"I can't hire you to work here.
"You can changeyour shape at will!
"I come in for a cup of coffee,you're the coffee pot.
Get out of my office,metamorph!"
Metamorph-- do you knowwhat that means?
It's like a sci-fi thing.
Shut up!
Um...