Burned every book I own.Every single one.

I read about this meetingyou can go to.

I read about it online.

This meeting you can go towhere they burn books.

So I got all my booksin a big bag,

and I drove out of townto this meeting,

threw my bookson this gigantic inferno,

saw all my books burn.

But then, at the endof the meeting,

they started talkingabout Nazi stuff,

and I got the (bleep)out of there.

I thought it wasabout eliminating clutter.

Phew.

That last bitwas entirely made up.

I'm an actor, okay?

That's what I do.

I create facial expressionsthat make you feel something.

That's my skill.

I was a theater majorin college.

That's a shitty major.

Do not become...It's a...

Theater major's a stupid major.It is.

But I wason academic scholarship

and then I used that moneyto become a theater major.

So, that's like,you win the lottery

and you just spend iton Beanie Babies.

You know what I mean?

That's what I didwith that money.

And then you haveto get a real job.

You can't be Dame Judi Denchright away.

Which is my ultimate goal.

And I lived in the Southat the time, and in the South

they don't really knowwhat theater is.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, a lot of people don't knowwhat theater...

Guys in the South thinktheater is, like,

a bunch of gay dudesin a basement,

kissing penises with makeup on.

Which it can be, andthere's nothing wrong with that!

So, I would have to interviewfor jobs,

and these Southern bosseswould see "theater major"

on my résumé,and they would react strangely.

And this is a true story.

One time, this guyat, like, a plumbing company

was looking at my résumé,and he goes,

"Now, I see 'theater'here on your résumé.

Is that gonna interferewith your ability to... work?"

And I was, like,"No, I'm very responsible.

I'll be here every day,9:00 a.m., ready to go."

And he really said this.He goes,

"Yeah, but you're an actor.

You could be lying to me,and I wouldn't even know."

I'm not a sociopath.

When you get a theater degree,you don't get special powers.

This guy's, like,"I can't hire you to work here.

"You can changeyour shape at will!

"I come in for a cup of coffee,you're the coffee pot.

Get out of my office,metamorph!"

Metamorph-- do you knowwhat that means?

It's like a sci-fi thing.

Shut up!

Um...