Hear me out on this.
This goes backto my childhood.
I was--I was 11 years old,
and obviously I got picked ona lot when I was growing up.
And then I sawthis movie called Ben.
And Ben was all about this guywho gets this crazy rat army
that, like, runs outinto the night
and [bleep]s people upwho wronged him.
And I'm like,"That's what I want."
And so, you know,I asked my mom for a rat.
And she was like,"Well, I'll get you a hamster,
"'cause rats are justZiploc bags full of disease
and hamsters are likehuggable rats."
So she got methis female hamster
and then, you know,a couple days later
I ran into her roomand I was like, "Mom! Mom!
"I wanna breed herto create an unholy army
of hamstersto do my bidding."
And my mom was like,"All right."
Didn't raise any red flagsfor some reason, not one.
I didn't see one therapistafter that.
I don't know why not.I should have.
My mom goes, "Listen,tomorrow we'll go out
and we'll get hera husband."
Because my mom was Catholicand she had those issues.
So we get this male hamster.I get it home.
My parentsare standing there.
The female hamsteris in the cage.
I pull him outand I'm like,
"Look, look,it's your future wife.
And he instantlyejaculated on my leg.
I don't know if you'veever had a hamster
ejaculate on your leg.
But it just feels
like a hot ketchup packet.
And then just pearlyshame omelet right there.
And I was 11.
I had no ideawhat's happening.
So I go,"He white peed on me."
And my dad was like,"That's enough."
And then that's it.
Just snatched the hamsterforcefully from my grasp,
which the hamsterdid not appreciate at all,
because you are very sensitiveright after you [bleep].
And the hamster
bit down on my dad's fingerand would not let go.
It was just like a Chinesefinger trap full of teeth.
So now there's blood and [bleep]and screaming.
And my mom was like,"This is what marriage is like."