It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.
With all that's going onin the world,
from the RNC to Zikato the DNC to Lady Gaga
and Taylor Kinney breaking up,it looks like it's time
to batten downour collective hatches
and prepare for the apocalypse.
It's gonna happen--we might as well just enjoy it.
Survivalists always talkabout survival
in the zombie apocalypse,but even after you put machetes
all up in their undead brains,you still got to live your life.
That is why tonight's hashtagis #ApocalypseResolutions.
Examples might be...
examples might be: Go to warwith Larry over some Pringles,
or: Get out of the bunker more.
I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.
-(bell dings)-HARDWICK: Ramon.
Ah, start that newall-Twinkie diet.
HARDWICK:All right, points.
-(bell dings)-HARDWICK: Dan.
Switch over to diet urine.
(Hardwick continues laughing)
Real highbrow over here, Chris.
Also-also known as "Squirt."
(audience laughing, applause)
Become mayor of that cityI started
in that abandoned Walmart.
Implement trickle downcannibalism.
Be more honestwith the volleyball
I drew a human face on.
Finally learn to play guitaron that guitar
I made from a human rib cage.
Uh, finish The Good Wife.