Christian Finnegan - Men's Room

  • Season 9 , Ep 7
  • 03/10/2005
  • Views: 11,677

I'VE NEVER BEEN A HUGE FAN OF

BIRTHDAYS.

I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE MY BIRTHDAY

IS ON APRIL FOOL'S DAY.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH?

THAT GETS OLD REAL QUICK,

DOESN'T IT, RIGHT?

'CAUSE EVERY YEAR YOU GO OUT

DRINKING WITH YOUR FRIENDS

AND THEY HAVE THE SAME FUNNY

COMMENTS.

LIKE, "HAH, HAH!

YOU WERE BORN ON

APRIL FOOL'S DAY 'CAUSE

YOU'RE A FOOL, RIGHT?

HAH, HAH!

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE YOU'RE PARENTS WERE

JOKING.

WHEEE!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THEN THEY KEEP DRINKING.

AND THE COMMENTS JUST GET

WEIRDER AND WEIRDER.

AND THEY'RE LIKE,

[DRUNKEN VOICE] "YOU WERE BORN

ON APRIL FOOL'S DAY 'CAUSE

YOU'RE A DICK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I HATE YOU.

HAH, HAH, JUST KIDDING, MAN,

APRIL'S FOOL DAY.

HAPPY-- BRUUAHHH!

UUUAAAHHH!"

[LAUGHTER]

I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST

AN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE OR THREE.

I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO POUND A FEW

FUZZY NAVELS IN MY TIME.

SOME OF YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY

GOING TO GET DRINK TONIGHT.

I HOPE YOU DO.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HOPE SO.

BUT JUST DO ME A FAVOR GUY'S,

DON'T DRINK SO MUCH THAT

YOU BECOME THE GUY THAT

GOES INTO THE BATHROOM AND MOANS

WHILE TAKING A LEAK.

[LAUGHTER]

SEE THE WOMEN IN THE ROOM--

THEY MIGHT NOT KNOW WHAT

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

EVERY DUDE KNOWS.

YOU'RE AT A BAR.

YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM.

YOU'RE TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF

BUSINESS.

SOME DRUNKEN SLOB STAGGERS IN

AND YOU GET FIVE MINUTES OF

THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

"UHHH-- UHHH-- UHHH-- UHHH."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'LL GET THE GUY WHO WILL

ACTUALLY LEAN AGAINST THE WALL.

LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

OH, SWEET JESUS.

OH."

WHAT ARE YOU, PASSING A STONE?

THAT'S NOT NECESSARY, GENTLEMEN.

DON'T MOAN AT THE URINAL.

AND YOU KNOW DO ME A FAVOR,

LET'S NOT CHITCHAT AT THE

URINAL.

YOU KNOW YOU'LL GET THE GUY

WHO'LL BE LIKE, "HEY BUDDY,

WHAT'S GOING ON TONIGHT?"

"WELL, I CURRENTLY HAVE MY PENIS

IN MY HAND.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAD A GUY ONCE-- NOT ONLY

DID HE MOAN, NOT ONLY DID

HE TALK TO ME, HE PUT HIS ARM

AROUND ME.

NOOO.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T CARE HOW DRUNK YOU ARE.

THAT IS NOT COOL.

IF YOU'RE EVER SO DRUNK THAT

YOU'RE CONSIDERING DOING THAT,

HERE'S MY LITTLE RULE OF THUMB.

DON'T TOUCH ME

WHILE I'M TOUCHING ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT SEEMS PRETTY SIMPLE, RIGHT?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT

THE THOUGHT PROCESS IS THERE.

LIKE, "OH SURE, THIS WOULD BE

WEIRD SOMEWHERE ELSE, BUT WE'RE

JUST IN THE MEN'S ROOM.

HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH."

LIKE IF I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF

THIS ROOM WITH MY [BLEEP] IN

MY HAND, YOU WOULDN'T PUT YOUR

ARM AROUND ME, WOULD YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

WOULD YOU?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NO?

OKAY.

LATER.

[LAUGHTER]

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