Morgan Murphy - Stalking

Allen, Murphy, Seccia, Roulette Season 8, Ep 0805 01/28/2005 Views: 16,372

Morgan Murphy's boyfriend doesn't have a car, but there's an upside. (2:06)

I'M ACTUALLY DATING A GUY

RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, SORRY, LADIES.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I AM.

BUT NO, HE DOESN'T HAVE A CAR

AND I LIVE IN L.A.

AND THAT'S CRAZY.

IT'S CRA-- LIKE AT FIRST

I THOUGHT THAT'S IT.

IT'S GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING.

I CAN'T DO THAT.

I CAN'T MAKE THIS KIND OF

SACRIFICE.

YOU KNOW, AND THEN I REALIZED,

WELL, AT LEAST WHEN WE BREAK UP,

HE'S GOING TO HAVE A REALLY

HARD TIME STALKING ME, RIGHT?

I'M NOT GOING TO BE LIKE, "AH,

HEY, SEAN, AH, I SAW THE BUS

PASS BY MY HOUSE LIKE NINE

TIMES.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU DID

THAT".

I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS HANGING OUT WITH MY

FRIEND THE OTHER DAY, AND SHE

IS ON THE PHONE WITH HER MOM,

AND THEY GOT IN A FIGHT AND

SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE,

YOU KNOW, AND SHE'S LIKE, "OH,

I WISH SHE WOULD JUST DIE".

JUST JOKING, YOU KNOW.

DIDN'T REALLY MEAN IT.

BUT I'M HERE TO SAY, I KNOW

A LOT OF PEOPLE DO THAT,

YOU SAY THAT KIND OF THING

AND YOU TAKE IT LIGHTLY.

BUT IT OFFENDS PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN SHE SAID

THAT, IT REALLY HURT ME BECAUSE

MY MOM IS DEAD...

TO ME, TO ME.

[LAUGHTER]

TO ME.

AND IT'S HARD WHEN YOU HAVE

TO DO THAT.

I'M KIDDING.

I LOVE MY MOM.

NO, I DO.

I LOVE HER.

SHE KNOWS THAT.

SHE'S ACTUALLY THE REASON

I'M HERE.

SHE'S THE REASON I DO COMEDY,

YOU KNOW.

A LOT OF PEOPLE WONDER WHY

COMICS GO INTO COMEDY.

I KNEW THAT I WANTED TO DO

COMEDY WHEN I DISCOVERED IRONY.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T

KNOW, I ACTUALLY DISCOVERED

IRONY WHEN I WAS SEVEN, WHICH

IS WHEN MY MOM STARTED BEATING

ME...

[LAUGHTER]

WITH MY OWN TROPHIES.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THAT'S CONFUSING, RIGHT?

YOU'RE THE WORST.

BUT THAT SAYS I'M SECOND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO IT'S NOT THE WORST.

I DON'T GET IT.