Adam Ferrara - Marriage Proposal

Denis Leary: Douchebags and Donuts Season 1, Ep 101 01/16/2011 Views: 16,693

Buying an engagement ring causes Adam Ferrara to notice something shocking about his girlfriend. (2:16)

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I GO TO BUY THE RING,

AND I WANT TO DO RIGHTBY MY WOMAN,

'CAUSE I KNOW THE SIGNIFICANCEOF THE WEDDING RING.

WOMEN DON'T WANT A RING

THAT'S A SYMBOL OF THE LOVEYOU HAVE FOR HER

OR REPRESENTS THE COMMITMENTYOU WANT TO MAKE TO HER.

WOMEN WANT A RINGTHAT PISSES OFF OTHER WOMEN,

BECAUSE THEY'VE LIVEDTHEIR ENTIRE LIFE

WITH THIS SUBTEXTOF COMPETITION,

THIS GIRL-ON-GIRL VIOLENCETHEY CAN NEVER SPEAK OF,

BECAUSE THEY'RE"CIVILIZED" CREATURES.

BUT IF THEY COULD TELL YOUWHAT THEY REALLY THINK,

THEY WOULD SAY TO YOU, LIKE,

"THIS IS MY BEST FRIEND,

"BUT IF LIFE GIVES HER SOMETHINGBEFORE I GET IT,

I'LL THROW THE BITCHUNDER A BUS."

SO THEY DON'T SAY THAT,

SO THEY COMMUNICATETHROUGH SYMBOLS,

LIKE BAGS AND SHOES AND RINGS,

AND, "WHAT'S NEW?"

"FUCK YOU.

"I'M GETTING MARRIED.

"YOU WILL DIE ALONESURROUNDED BY CATS.

[laughter]

"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,

"I'M GOING TO MAKE YOUMY BRIDESMAID.

"I'M GONNA LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS

AND DRESS YOULIKE A PUERTO RICAN PROM QUEEN."

[laughter]

SO I FIGUREDI WAS PRETTY SMART.

I GO TO BUY THE RING,

AND THE JEWELER ASKED MEA QUESTION I'M NOT PREPARED FOR.

SHE SAYS,"WHAT SIZE IS HER HAND?"

GIRL SIZE.WHA--

GOES,"WELL, IT'S KIND OF IMPORTANT,

"'CAUSE THE DIAMOND SHOULD SITIN PROPORTION TO HER HAND,

SO JUST GET AN IDEAOF THE SIZE OF HER HAND."

SO THAT NIGHT AT DINNER,I'M LOOKING AT HER HAND,

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD...

"I'M MARRYING DAN MARINO.WHAT--

"LOOK AT THE MITTS ON THIS KID.

"JESUS.

"THIS IS GONNA COST MEA FORTUNE.

"IS THE LEFT ONE BIGGER?

"WHAT THE HELL IS SHE,A FIDDLER CRAB?

"GREAT, NOW WE'RE GONNA HAVEGIANT-LEFT-HANDED CHILDREN.

'DADDY, WHY DO I SWIMIN A CIRCLE?'"

[laughter]

SO I BOUGHT THE APPROPRIATERING SIZE FOR HER HAND.

UGH.

I WAS SO ANNOYED.

I ALMOST PROPOSED TO HERLIKE THIS.

"HERE, PUT THIS ON YOUR FLIPPER,YOU HARBOR SEAL."