Paul F. Tompkins - Cokehead Disco

Tompkins, Kroll, Krug, Haines, Rivera, Kilpatrick, Nanjiani Season 4, Ep 7 12/04/2009 Views: 5,663

Have you ever walked away from a person on cocaine and remarked on what a pleasure he was to be around? (3:38)

When I come here for business,

uh, sometimes they put me upin a cool New York hotel.

These hotels-- they're like,they're so cool, man.

Here's how cool they are:

during the day,they're just a hotel.

But at night, the lobby turnsinto a cokehead disco.


It's magical.

Like, I'll leave the hotelduring the day.

"Bye, hotel. See you later."

It's my ritual.

And then, um, I come back,

all of a sudden there's,like, a red carpet remnant

and a velvet rope,

and a big, burly bald bouncerwith a clipboard

and a line of cokeheadstrying to get inside.

"Me, me, pick me!

"I can't do my drugson the street.

I need accessto your bathrooms."

By the way, if you're doing cokein the 2000s--

stop doing coke in the 2000s,'cause it is gross.

It is the most nonsocialsocial drug.

Have you ever walked awayfrom somebody

who was on cocaineand found yourself saying,

"Well, that gentlemanwas a pleasure to be around"?


"He was just a delight.

"I like that he tookthe conversational burden

"off of me, that it great.


"And he had a lotof interesting theories.

Most of them were aboutwhere to get cocaine."

At these cool hotels,my favorite thing--

this is where they tryto be super cool--

is with their"do not disturb" signs, right?

How many times have you beenin a hotel,

you didn't wish to be disturbed,

your only way to communicatethat to the housekeeping staff

is some boring, plastic sign

that says,"Please do not disturb"?


Maybe I don't wish to bedisturbed like that

if I just got off my bicycle

with the one giant wheelin the front

and I was de-waxing my moustacheand unbuttoning my shoes.

Well, these cool hotels,

they really like to expressthemselves creatively.

I stayed at this one where theirversion of "do not disturb" was

"just let me chill."


I don't like the waythat felt in my mouth.

"Just let me chill"?

Like, I don't wantto put that on the door.

I don't want to endorse it,you know what I mean?

The worse one I ever sawwas this one

on the one side for, uh...

"please do not disturb,"it just said,

"Don't do it!"

And the other sidefor "please make up the room,"

it said, "Make it!"

So we've eliminated"please" and "thank you"

from the equation entirely,right?

"Do my bidding!"

"Go to hell!"

"Look, fellas, the, uh,housekeeping staff

"are under the impressionthey're people.

"I don't know where they getthese ideas, but, uh,

"apparently the uniforms alone

"are not enoughof a dividing line,

"so, uh, we got to reallylet them know

"what to do not disturb,you know what I'm saying?

"How's this grab you?

"For, uh, 'please make upthe room,' a simple, uh,

"'I counted my change,' right?

"Then they know it's okay.

"I know you're coming in,but, uh, let's not forget

"who's-who's in charge here.

"Then the other sidefor 'do not disturb,'

"just a... just clear as a bell,just, uh,

right to the point,'I'm white!'"