Ralphie May Interview

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In about 20 minutes, Ralphie May's breasts are going to smell like vinegar. (2:04)

-Hi, my name is Ralphie May.

I'm here at the SouthBeach Comedy Festival

for the "Meanest Men in Comedy"with my buddy Jeffrey Ross.

Uh, we're going to rough somepeople up and have a good time

and give them a great show.

Even though I'mnot the meanest man

in comedy or evenin the top, like 20.

I, uh-- I mean, really,what could we name the show?

I mean, we can't call itthe "Kings of Comedy."

We can't call it,uh, "Blue Collar."

We can't, uh-- someanest was it.

I mean, really, think about it.

It couldn't be "LeanestMen in Comedy," could it?

No, don't think so.

I love Miami.

Apparently with thisfestival being here,

Miami's not just forcocaine and whores anymore.

And it's-- it's tremendous.

I-- I am reallyhappy to be here.

It's fantastic.

It's a little humid,as you can tell.

I'm sweating over here.

Uh, it's, uh-- but hey, I'm fat.

I'm used to sweating.

You know, I figurein about 20 minutes

my titties are goingto smell like vinegar.

And, uh, c'est la vie.

Just a little tip to thewise if you come down here.

When you eat Cubanfood, uh, let--

let the, uh-- let it cool off.

Because apparently them Cubanboys, they fry up, uh, lava.

I had an empanada.

It hit my mouth atabout 1,100 Kelvin.

So there's a little tip for you.

Also, the littlebaby doll tea set

cup of coffee they have for you?

That's all you need OK?

I got cocky thinking, youknow, hey, this is America.

What are you all rationingbecause you're dirty Cubans?

I need a whole cupof coffee, Diego.

Let's go.

Chop, chop.

I didn't know thatwas equivalent to like

five shots of espresso.

So they got me a 10ounce glass of coffee.

And, um, I drank it.

It took me 10minutes to drink it.

For that 10 minutes, Icould see into the future.

The coffee washed over me.

And, um-- and then when I setit down, I [bleep] my pants.

OK?

Right there.

I dropped a dos as they say.

Instead of a deuce,it's a dos here.

Um, I, uh-- it was a-- andthere wasn't even a preamble.

There wasn't a uh-oh.

Just bam.

I dropped it like it was hot.

Uh, I ended upshaking for 96 hours

and just crying toJesus to help me sleep.

And finally, one ofmy buddies down here

gave me a bump of cocaine and Icould come off of that coffee.

A little tip to the wise to you.

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