-Hi, my name is Ralphie May.
I'm here at the SouthBeach Comedy Festival
for the "Meanest Men in Comedy"with my buddy Jeffrey Ross.
Uh, we're going to rough somepeople up and have a good time
and give them a great show.
Even though I'mnot the meanest man
in comedy or evenin the top, like 20.
I, uh-- I mean, really,what could we name the show?
I mean, we can't call itthe "Kings of Comedy."
We can't call it,uh, "Blue Collar."
We can't, uh-- someanest was it.
I mean, really, think about it.
It couldn't be "LeanestMen in Comedy," could it?
No, don't think so.
I love Miami.
Apparently with thisfestival being here,
Miami's not just forcocaine and whores anymore.
And it's-- it's tremendous.
I-- I am reallyhappy to be here.
It's a little humid,as you can tell.
I'm sweating over here.
Uh, it's, uh-- but hey, I'm fat.
I'm used to sweating.
You know, I figurein about 20 minutes
my titties are goingto smell like vinegar.
And, uh, c'est la vie.
Just a little tip to thewise if you come down here.
When you eat Cubanfood, uh, let--
let the, uh-- let it cool off.
Because apparently them Cubanboys, they fry up, uh, lava.
I had an empanada.
It hit my mouth atabout 1,100 Kelvin.
So there's a little tip for you.
Also, the littlebaby doll tea set
cup of coffee they have for you?
That's all you need OK?
I got cocky thinking, youknow, hey, this is America.
What are you all rationingbecause you're dirty Cubans?
I need a whole cupof coffee, Diego.
I didn't know thatwas equivalent to like
five shots of espresso.
So they got me a 10ounce glass of coffee.
And, um, I drank it.
It took me 10minutes to drink it.
For that 10 minutes, Icould see into the future.
The coffee washed over me.
And, um-- and then when I setit down, I [bleep] my pants.
I dropped a dos as they say.
Instead of a deuce,it's a dos here.
Um, I, uh-- it was a-- andthere wasn't even a preamble.
There wasn't a uh-oh.
I dropped it like it was hot.
Uh, I ended upshaking for 96 hours
and just crying toJesus to help me sleep.
And finally, one ofmy buddies down here
gave me a bump of cocaine and Icould come off of that coffee.
A little tip to the wise to you.