Julian Assange Loses Internet Access

Wednesday, October 19, 2016 10/19/2016 Views: 211

Ecuador's embassy pulls the plug on Julian Assange's internet access, so Andrew Orvedahl, Ben Roy and Adam Cayton-Holland imagine how the WikiLeaks founder will pass the time. (2:35)

As you know, we had our thirdpresidential debate tonight

between white MadeaHillary Clinton

and children's cataloguehand model Donald Trump.

But the problem is, we tapethe show in the afternoon,

so right now,it hasn't aired yet.

So the good news is,we didn't have to watch it.

But the bad news is,we don't know what happened.

What happened?

'Cause judgingfrom past debates, they didn't

probably discussany of the real issues

besides the onethat directly affect them,

and, you know, not anything

that maybe the countryactually gives a (beep) about,

or is affected byor needs to be solved,

or any of the problemsthat we face every day.

So, there was no prayer at allthat they talked

about the one issuethat is most important to me,

and I know is very importantto you, too,

and we talked about thisa long time ago on the show.

And it stillhasn't happened yet.

And I want to know, America.

Why have they not renamedfire ants "spicy boys"?

This is a very important issue.

-(cheers and applause)-All right.

This is...

This is a Change.org petition.

78,000 peopleare calling for this.

All right?We're only halfway to 150,000.

Do you understandif can we get to a 150,000,

Michelle Obama hasto pay attention to this?

(laughter)

And we haveto address this issue

that's been cripplingour nation's ants.

-We need to be calling them"spicy boys." -(laughter)

-(cheers and applause)-Thank you. Thank you.

But another issuethat's kind of a big deal

is global hacking clubWikiLeaks,

which has been accused of tryingto influence the election

by releasing thousandsof Clinton campaign e-mails.

WikiLeaks is frontedby Julian Assange,

the Australian-borncomputer programmer

who looks like Klaus Kringle,Santa Claus's rebellious son.

-(laughter)-Since 2012,

Assange has beenrunning the organization

from inside the Ecuadorianembassy in the United Kingdom,

where he was granted asylumto escape extradition to Sweden.

-One note: not complicatedenough! -(laughter)

Well, this week, in responseto American pressure,

the Ecuadorian governmentpunished Assange

by making every millennial'snightmare come true.

-They cut off his Internet!-(laughter and groaning)

Comedians, now that Assangehas lost Internet access,

how's he going to pass the timein that embassy? Ben Roy.

He's gonna act like a cat

and chase the laser sitesfrom all the NSA snipers.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.-(laughter)

Andrew.

He's gonna steal the Wi-Fi fromthe Peruvian embassy next door.

Password hint--"uncut blow," all lower case.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.-(laughter)

-(applause)-Adam Cayton-Holland.

He's gonna spend his timeexposing the inherent corruption

-in the embassy's Secret Santaprogram. -(laughter)

Or as it's referred tointernally, "El Santa Secreto."

-HARDWICK: Yes. All right,points. Very good. -(laughter)