Nick DiPaolo - Marriage

  • Season 11 , Ep 4
  • 01/18/2007
  • Views: 10,951

Nick can't get used to his wife naming all his stuff. (2:25)

I'M NOT GONNA GET BOTOXOR ANY OF THAT [BLEEP].

I'M ALREADY LOOKING LIKE BUTTAFUCO, YOU KNOW, AFTER 3 YEARS OF MARRIAGE.

I LOOK LIKE A [BLEEP] FROM SICILY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[ITALIAN ACCENT] I'M NEVER GONNA GET A-FAKE-A TITS.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

BUT I'M MARRIED NOW, SO IREALLY DON'T CARE AT THIS POINT.

I GOT MARRIED ABOUT THREE YEARS AGO.

I WAS SITTING HOME. I WAS SINGLE.

I WAS THINKING, "YOU KNOW,

"MY NUTS ARE EMPTY AND MY WALLET'S FULL.

HOW CAN I REVERSE THESE TWO THINGS?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT WAS A SLOW BURNER.

- THEY, AH... - [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THEY SAY MARRIAGE IS A COMPROMISE. OH YEAH, REAL COMPROMISE.

COMPARE THE WEDDING RINGS AFTER THE CEREMONY.

SHE'S GOT A $10,000 DIAMOND ON HER FINGER,

"I'M WEARING A WASHER FROM A URINAL THAT BROKE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, THANKS FOR THE FUNYON, THIS IS GORGEOUS.

- WHAT, DID IT--- [LAUGHTER]

FELL OUT OF A PLUMBER'SASS CRACK IN QUEENS

ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO. THANKS, HONEY.

- THAT WAS REALLY-- - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WAS SINGLE TILL I WAS 41.

I STILL CAN'T GET USED TO HER NAME ON ALL MY STUFF.

LIKE MY CHECKS AND CREDIT CARDS AND [BLEEP]. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU DON'T WANT MY NAME ON THE DEED TO THE HOUSE?"

I'M LIKE "I DON'T WANT IT ON THE [BLEEP] ANSWERING MACHINE.

"HOW AM I GONNA GET LAID? YOU'RE [BLEEP] BLOCKIN' ME.

- SERIOUSLY."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF YOU CALL MY HOUSE, THIS IS WHAT YOU HEAR.

"HI, THIS IS NICK AND THIS IS-- BEEP."

[LAUGHTER]

I WASN'T GOOD WHEN I WAS SINGLE

'CAUSE GUYS, WHEN YOU GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP,

YOU HAVE TO BE PHONY THE FIRST FEW MONTHS, RIGHT?

I MEAN, YOU GOTTA PULL OUT THE CHAIR FOR HER,

OPENING CAR DOORS AND CRAP, YOU KNOW?

CUT TO ABOUT A YEAR LATER, YOU'RE SITTIN' IN HER CAR, RIFLING THROUGH HER PURSE,

LOOKING FOR HER BEST FRIEND'S PHONE NUMBER

AS SHE'S TRYING TO CHANGE A FLAT TIRE IN THE RAIN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"COME ON, YOU PUSSY, THOSE LUG NUTS ARE BRAND-NEW."

- LET'S GO! - [LAUGHTER]

YOU YOUNG GUYS ARE LOOKING UP HERE GOING,

"I'M NEVER GONNA GET MARRIED." THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

BUT HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU GO HOME, WATCH SPORTS CENTER,

ORDER A PIZZA AND JERK OFF BEFORE THAT GETS BORING?

I'LL TELL YOUHOW MANY TIMES, 11,556.

- THAT'S HOW MANY. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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