Andrew Kennedy - Crazy Dad

  • Season 11 , Ep 3
  • 01/18/2007
  • Views: 14,786

I'VE GOT A FOUR-YEAR-OLD, TWO-AND-A-HALF-YEAR-OLD,

AND A SIX-WEEK BABY GIRL. IT'S AWESOME.

- IT'S AWESOME. - [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

SO NOW MY PARENTS WANT TO MOVE BACK FROM FLORIDA

TO BE CLOSER TO THEIR GRANDCHILDREN

WHICH, I DON'T THINK IS A GOOD IDEA, BECAUSE MY FATHER'S

LOSING HIS MIND. HE'S COMPLETELY CRAZY.

WE THOUGHT HE WAS CRAZY BEFORE, HE'S 73-YEARS-OLD.

IT'S NOT GOOD.

LAST TIME THEY WERE VISITING HE GOT PULLED OVER BY A COP,

AND IN THE MIDDLE OF GETTING THE TICKET POLITELY DISAGREED

AND DROVE AWAY. LIKE, YOU CAN DO THAT, LIKE YOU CAN ACTUALLY

HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH A COP WHO PULLS YOU OVER AND TELL HIM

HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED,

AND THEN GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

"OH, YES OFFICER SMYTH,OFFICER SMYTH,

- "WELL THERE, YOU GOT ME. WHOA. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU VERY EFFECTIVELY GUIDED ME TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

"WITH YOUR INTERESTING ILLUMINATIONS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- HAZZA." - [LAUGHTER]

LIKE HE'S FROM THE 1500s OR SOMETHING, AND YOU CAN'T EVEN--

"UNFORTUNATELY, MY WIFE VITA AND I VEHEMENTLY DISAGREE

WITH YOUR ASSESSMENT.SO, GOOD DAY--" AND JUST DROVE--

- JUST TOOK OFF. - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SO NOW OF COURSE, HE GETS CHASED AGAIN,

AND NOW IT'S FIVE COP CARS, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DO

WHEN YOU RUN FROM THE POLICE, THEY CHASE YOU, EVEN IF YOU'VE

GOT YOUR TURN SIGNAL ON, AND MERGING BACK ONTO TRAFFIC,

CLUELESS THAT YOU'RE BEING CHASED AGAIN.

SO HE GOT PULLED OVER AGAIN.

AND NOW HE STARTS CORRECTING THE COP'S GRAMMAR.

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT MY FATHER DOES,

'CAUSE HE'S 73-YEARS-OLD, AND A RETIRED ENGLISHMAN.

THAT'S WHAT HE THINKS HIS JOB IS.

HE'LL OVERHEAR YOU WITH YOUR FRIENDS SPEAKING,

AND YOU SAY SOMETHING INCORRECT,

AND HE'LL JUST BLURT OUT,"IT'S ANYWAYS."

"WHAT? WHO SAID THAT? IS THAT MR. MAGOO? WHAT?"

"YES, I OVERHEARD YOU SAY 'ANYWAYS,' BUT THERE IS NO 'S'

"AT THE END OF THAT WORD. THE WORD IS 'ANYWAY.'

"THAT IS A WORDIN OUR ENGLISH LANGUAGE, YOURS AND MINE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"IT'S SHORTER,ISN'T THAT A GOOD REASON

TO USE THE RIGHT BLOODY WORD?"

HE GETS UPSET. SO NOW HE'S CORRECTINGTHE COPS GRAMMAR,

AND AT THAT SAME MOMENT I'M IN MY HOUSE WITH MY WIFE,

AND WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE AFTERNOON SEX,

WHICH DOESN'T HAPPEN EVER BECAUSE WE'VE GOT A

FOUR-YEAR-OLD, A TWO-AND-A-HALF-YEAR-OLD, AND A BRAND-NEW BABY GIRL,

THAT'S JUST LIKE WINNING THE LOTTERY,

IT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN.BUT IT'S HAPPENING NOW,

AND THAT'S WHEN MY MOTHER CALLS ME ON THE PHONE.

"[SPEAKING SPANISH]...AND NOW HE'S CORRECTINGTHE POLICEMAN'S GRAMMAR

AND THE POLICEMAN DON'T LIKE IT."

- YOU KNOW, IT'S SO... - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHERE ARE YOU? "LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW,

WE'RE IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE."

OKAY, YEAH. SO I'M NAKED. I WAS AROUSED,

I'M NOT AROUSED ANYMORE,BUT I'M STILL NAKED,

AND I'M LOOKING OUT MY WINDOW AND I CAN HEAR MY FATHER

ON THE CELL PHONE GIVE A COP A GRAMMAR LESSON.

"YOU'RE NOT BRINGING ME TO JAILYOU'RE TAKING ME TO JAIL.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"JAIL IS NOT HERE, IT'S IN A SEPARATE LOCATION,

"AND YOU ARE TAKING METO SAID LOCATION.

"YOU-- YOU COULD ONLY BRING SOMETHING "TO THE SPEAKER,

- TO THE SPEAKER. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU, OFFICER SMYTH, IN THIS CASE, ARE THE SPEAKER.

YES, YOU ARE." HE'S SO BAD, ISN'T HE? HE'S SO CONDESCENDING.

"YOU COULD SAY, 'BRING ME COOKIES,'

"AND I MIGHT CHOSE TO DO SO OR NOT,

- "PROBABLY NOT,- [LAUGHTER]

"DUE TO THE FACT THAT YOU ARE, TAKING ME TO JAIL.

I DON'T WANT TO GO."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

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