Ass Pennies

  • Season 1 , Ep 3
  • 09/02/1998
  • Views: 181,198

If you get enough of your ass pennies into circulation, you'll have an advantage over everyone else. (4:04)

SUCK.

SO ANYWAYS,

I FINALLY GOT A MEETING WITH BELAMY,THE BACON BITS KING.

NOW, I KNOW MY CAMPAIGN'S AWESOME.

THE PROBLEM IS,EVERYBODY I TALK TO

SAYS BELAMY'SA REAL BALL BREAKER.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.

YEAH.

WELL, NICK, YOU'RE MY BROTHER,

AND YOU'RE INCREDIBLY SUCCESSFUL.

YES, I AM.

I WAS HOPING THAT MAYBE YOU COULD GIVE ME SOME TIPS

THAT MIGHT GIVE ME AN EDGE WHEN I MEET WITH HIM.

OKAY, SURE, HERE'S A GOOD ONE...

WHEN YOU GREET HIM, GIVE HIM A GOOD FIRM HANDSHAKE,

AND DON'T RELEASE UNTIL HE DOES.

NO, NO, NO, I WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT,

SOMETHING SPECIAL.

WEAR A RED TIE.

POWER TIE, THAT'S BUSH LEAGUE.

I'M TALKING ABOUT A SECRET WEAPON HERE, NICK.

OH, SECRET WEAPON,HUH ?

YEAH.

OKAY, I THINK I KNOWWHAT YOU'RE AFTER.

BUT IF I TELL YOU, YOU GOT TO PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYBODY ELSE.

I PROMISE.

IT'S SORT OF A LONG TERM STRATEGY.

WHEN'S YOUR MEETING WITH BELAMY ?

A WEEK FROM TODAY.

OH, NOT MUCH TIME, BUT IT MIGHT WORK.

YEAH, OKAY, SURE.

EVERY TIME A PENNY PASSES THROUGH YOUR HANDS,

STICK ITUP YOUR ASS.

WHAT ?

AND THEN SPEND IT.

THANKS, NICK.YEAH.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE REALLYGONNA HELP ME.

HOW DOES STICKING PENNIES UP MY ASS GIVE ME AN EDGE

WHEN I MEET WITH HIM ?

YOU DON'T JUST STICK THEM UPYOUR ASS, YOU SPEND THEM.

LIKE I SAID,IT'S A LONG TERM STRATEGY.

I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR ELEVEN YEARS NOW.

EVERY DAY FOR THE PASTELEVEN YEARS,

I'VE STUCK THIRTY DOLLARS IN PENNIES UP MY ASS.

I USE THEM FOR EVERYTHING,CAB RIDES,

MOVIE THEATER,GROCERIES.

WHAT DOES THAT ACCOMPLISH ?

WILL YOU LISTEN ?

THAT'S A LOT OF ASS PENNIESI GOT OUT THERE, MY FRIEND.

AND HERE'S WHERE THE MAGIC COMES IN.

WHEN I MEET WITH SOMEONEWHO INTIMIDATES ME,

WHO PUTS ME ON EDGE,

A REAL "HARD ASS",

I JUST THINKTO MYSELF,

THEY'VE PROBABLY HANDLED ONE OF MY ASS PENNIES.

IN FACT, THEY PROBABLY HAVEONE IN THEIR POCKET RIGHT THEN.

THAT JUST SEEMS TO SORT OFGIVE ME THE UPPER HAND.

I MEAN, HEY,

I HAVEN'T TOUCHED ANYTHINGTHAT'S BEEN IN THEIR ASS.

HEY, WHERE'S BELAMY LIKE TO EAT ?

HE LIKES TO EAT AT THE PUMP ROOM.

GREAT, HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

GO TO THE BANK, GET YOURSELF 50 DOLLARS IN PENNIES.

STICK THEM ALL UP YOUR ASS.

OH, PLEASE.

ONE AT A TIME, OF COURSE.

AND YOU GO TO THE PUMP ROOM,

BUY YOURSELF A NICE DINNER,

PAYING ENTIRELY IN PENNIES.

NOW THEY'LL BE USING YOUR PENNIES

FOR THE NEXT WEEKAT LEAST.

BELAMY GOES IN THERE TO EAT,

HE GETS YOUR ASS PENNIES FOR CHANGE,

BY THE TIME YOU MEET WITH HIM,

YOU KNOW HE'S HAD SOMETHING IN HIS HAND

THAT YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR ASS.

SO ?

SO, THEN YOU GOT THE UPPER HAND.

NO, I DON'T.

YEAH, YOU DO.

IT'S LIKE IMAGINING SOMEONEIN THEIR UNDERWEAR.

NO, IT'S NOT,IT'S HORRIBLE !

YEAH, WELL, IT WORKS FOR ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT ?

I USED TO LOOK UP TO YOU.

I USED TO THINK YOU REALLYHAD IT TOGETHER.

OH, I DO HAVE IT TOGETHER,LITTLE BROTHER.

YOU DON'T PULL DOWN EIGHT FIGURES A YEAR

WITHOUT HAVING IT TOGETHER.

YOU DON'T HAVE IT TOGETHER, NICK.

YOU STICK PENNIES UP YOUR ASS FOR CONFIDENCE.

THAT'S NOT HAVING IT TOGETHER !

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME ?

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

OH, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO.

IT'S WRITTEN ALL OVER YOUR FACE.

YOU HAVE ANY CHANGE IN YOUR POCKET ?

WHY ?

TAKE IT OUT.

WHY ?

TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT IT.

OH, MY.

YOU'VE GOT A FEW PENNIESIN THERE, DON'T YOU ?

I'VE BEEN STICKING 30 DOLLARSIN PENNIES UP MY ASS

FOR THE PAST ELEVEN YEARS.

THAT'S 3,000 PENNIES A DAY,

21,000 PENNIES A WEEK.

ONE MILLION NINETY-TWO THOUSAND PENNIES A YEAR.

TO DATE, THAT'S 12 MILLION,12 THOUSAND PENNIES.

EIGHT TIMES THE POPULATIONOF NEBRASKA !

THOSE PENNIES WERE IN MY ASS !

YOU THINK YOU'REBETTER THAN ME ?

YOU'RE NOT BETTER THAN ME.

YOU HANDLE MY ASS PENNIES EVERY DAY.

YOU PICK UP MY ASS PENNIESFOR GOOD LUCK.

YOU THROW MY ASS PENNIESIN FOUNTAINS

AND MAKE WISHES ON THEM.

YOU GIVE MY ASS PENNIESTO YOUR LITTLE DAUGHTER

TO BUYGUMBALLS WITH.

YOU HANDLE MY ASS PENNIESEVERY DAY !

ALL OF YOU !

YOU ALL HANDLEMY ASS PENNIES !

OH, I LAUGH AT YOU BEFORE YOU CAN LAUGH AT ME,

BECAUSE YOUR PENNIESHAVE BEEN IN MY ASS.

You hear me ?

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