THAT WON'T LET YOU STEP ON A SPIDER.
"OH, NO. PUT HIM OUTSIDE."
"WHY? SO, HE CAN GO GET HIS FRIENDS?
AND "GO, 'HEY, IT'S [BLEEP] WARM IN THERE.'
NO. ALL RIGHT. [BLEEP] HIM." IF YOU'RE A SPIDER,
YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE, YOU'RE GONNA [BLEEP] DIE.'CAUSE, I'M A GANGSTER.
[LAUGHTER]
I USED TO LET MY DOG EAT BUGS.YOU EVER DO THAT
WHERE YOU JUST LET YOUR DOG EAT [BLEEP] THAT HE SHOULDN'T EAT,
BUT I DON'T WANNA GET UP, SO WHATEVER?
AND I JUST HAD TO GET RID OF HIM. IT SUCKS.
I MOVED INTO AN APARTMENTIN L.A. THAT DOESN'T ALLOW DOGS,
SO I HAD TO GIVE HIM TO MY PARENTS.
HE LIVES IN OHIO. I MISS HAVING A PET.
WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE DOGS IN MY BUILDING. WE'RE ALLOWED TO HAVE CATS.
MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "WHY DON'T YOU GET A CAT?"
I'M LIKE, "WHY DON'TI JUST START KISSING DUDES, TOO?
WE'LL JUST GO ALL THE WAYWITH THAT ONE."
YOU CAN'T BE A SINGLE GUYWITH A CAT. IT JUST LOOKS BAD.
YOU'RE EITHERGAY OR YOU'RE A VILLAIN.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IT'S LIKE "HERE'S MY KITTY. HERE'S MY KITTY."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THEN IF THE GUYS ARE OVER FOR THE GAME,
"HEY, WHAT'S UP FELLAS? THIS IS MITTENS.
"HE'LL SCRATCH THE HELL OUTTA YOU.
"I'M GONNA GO PUT ON MY LIPSTICK,
"BUT YOU GUYS HANG OUTFOR A WHILE. ALL RIGHT?
YOU WANNA WATCH TV, IT'S UNPLUGGED."
PEOPLE GET DUMB STUFF. I WENT TO A PET STORE IN L.A.
THAT WAS SELLING A KANGAROO. WHO'S GONNA BUY A KANGAROO?
WHO GOES TO A PET STORE GOING,"DO YOU HAVE A KANGAROO?
"OH, [BLEEP] SWEET. ALL RIGHT. YEAH.
'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY AT THE POUND FOR SOME REASON."
THEY WERE REALLY TRYINGTO SELL ME ON IT, TOO,
"LIKE THEY MAKE GREAT PETS.
I'M LIKE, "YEAH. IF I CAN GET HIM IN THE CAR
WITHOUT HIM BEATIN' THE [BLEEP]OUTTA ME, I'LL BE FINE."
IT'S A KANGAROO. HAVE YOU SEEN LOONY TUNES?
THEY DON'T [BLEEP] AROUND. GET OUTTA HERE.
LIKE, I DON'T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE TAKE RISKS WITH THEIR PETS.
LIKE, I DON'T EVEN LIKE BIG DOGS, YOU KNOW.
LIKE, NOBODY NEEDS A ROTTWEILER, ALL RIGHT?
UNLESS YOU SELL DRUGSOR DRIVE A SLED TO WORK,
YOU DON'T NEED A DOG THAT BIG.
LIKE, I DON'T LIKE WHEN I GO OVER TO SOMEBODY'S HOUSE
WITH A BIG DOG AND THEY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE WITH IT,
YOU KNOW, LIKE, I'M JUST COOL WITH HANGING OUT WITH THIS BEAR
WHILE YOU'RE IN THE SHOWER. "I'M JUST GONNA GO SMOKE."
YOU'RE GONNA TAKE HIM TO SMOKE, ALL RIGHT?
I'M NOT GONNA HANG OUT WITH HIM, 'CAUSE IT'S ONE THING
IF I COME TO YOUR HOUSEAND YOUR SHIATSU GETS
ALL REVVED UP AND HUMPS MY LEG. IT'S FINE, WE'RE STILL FRIENDS.
BUT, YOUR ROTTWIELER COULD BEND ME OVER THE SINK.
- IT'S LIKE, OOPS! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
DUDE, GET YOUR DOG OFF ME. YEAH. YOUR DOG'S RAPING ME.
WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE? PUT THE CAMERA DOWN
AND GET YOUR [BLEEP] DOG, ALL RIGHT?
AND YOU COULD AT LEAST CLIP HIS NAILS BEFORE I COME OVER,
'CAUSE NOW I GOT [BLEEP] ON MY BACK.