Ralphie May - Curse Words

Season 1 , Ep 101 Views: 24,365

Although his wife doesn't approve, Ralphie May enjoys the fact that his kids are such enthusiastic cursers. (2:41)

LET ME TELL YOUABOUT ME, I GUESS.

UH, I'M MARRIED.

I, UH--SORRY, GIRLS, PACK UP YOUR

VAGINAS AND HIT THE BRICKS.

SORRY, LADIES.

I'M A KEPT MAN.

I, UH--I GOT A BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

I MARRIED A JEW BROADSIX YEARS AGO,

AND, UH,AND WE MADE SOME JEWS,

I'M DOING THE WORKOF CHRIST OVER HERE.

SOMEBODY'S GOTTA MAKE JEWS,YOU KNOW?

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO.

WE HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.

UH, WE HAVE A FOUR-YEAR-OLDDAUGHTER.

SHE JUST TURNED FOUR.

UH, HER NAMEIS APRIL JUNE MAY.

UH, SHE'S A PEACH.

TRY TO FORGET IT,BET YOU CAN'T.

AND, UH, WE HAVEA TWO-YEAR-OLD SON NAMED AUGUST.

AND AUGUST MAY,YEAH, HE'S AWESOME.

I'M TEACHING THEMHOW TO CUSS.

UH, THEY'RE DOINGA REALLY GOOD JOB AT IT.

THEY ALREADY CUSSBETTER THAN MOST IMMIGRANTS.

I'M PROUD OF THEM.

I, UH...

MY DAUGHTER HEARD A CABBIEIN NEW YORK LAST MONTH TALKING,

AND HE WAS CUSSINGAT ANOTHER CAB--CABBIE

FOR EATING DURING RAMADANDURING THE DAY.

AND, UH--YOU KNOW, SHOCKER.

AND, UH...

AND, UH, SHE'S LIKE, "DADDY,WHAT THE HELL DID HE JUST SAY?"

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

FOREIGNERS, WHATEVER."

MY SON, HIS FAVORITECURSE WORD IS, UH--

THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I'M GONNAGET BLEEPED, OKAY--

IS "[bleep] IT."

UM...

[laughs]IN PUBLIC, WE'VE TAUGHT HIM

TO CURB IT AND SAY "EFF IT."

SO, UH, HE GOES,"EFF IT! EFF IT! EFF IT!"

AND IT MAKES HIMAN AMAZINGLY EASY BABY, OKAY?

IT'S LIKE, "AUGUST,WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR LUNCH?"

"EFF IT."

"ALL RIGHT,LIKE A SANDWICH OR SOMETHING?"

"YEAH, EFF IT, DADDY.

EFF IT."

"SANDWICH IT IS.

GOOD KID."

I GET IN TROUBLE, 'CAUSEI'M TEACHING THE KIDS TO CURSE,

AND, UH, THE WIFE, SHE DOESN'TCARE FOR IT, AND, UM, I GET--

I'M WEARINGA JACKET, LONG SLEEVE TONIGHT,

BUT ON THE BACK OF MY ARMARE ALL THESE BRUISES

WHERE MY WIFE WILL PINCH MEIN MY FAT MEAT WHILE I'M DRIVING

'CAUSE I DID SOMETHING.

AND THEN...

AND, MAN,THAT HURTS SO MUCH.

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S INCREDIBLY PAINFUL.

WE WE'RE STUCK IN TRAFFIC, ANDMY DAUGHTER, APRIL, WAS LIKE,

"DADDY, WHAT'S UPWITH THESE EFFIN' PEOPLE?"

AND...

AND I'M LIKE, "OW! OW!

IT'S A LEGITIMATE QUESTION!

JESUS!""THEY'RE..."

"HONEY, THEY'RE JUSTDRIVING [bleep], OKAY?"

ALL RIGHT, AND,"OW! OW! OKAY, JESUS."

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