Lewis Black - Candy Corn

  • Season 1 , Ep 13
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 27,720

Every Halloween, people look at candy corn as if they had never seen it before. (2:06)

SHE HAD SO MANY KIDS ANDDIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

MAN, HOW COME EVERYONEIN THESE NURSERY RHYMES

ARE SO DAMN STUPID?

LOOK AT THIS MORON.

WHAT KINDA IDIOTLIVES IN A SHOE?

YOU KNOW, MAYBE SHE HAD A BADREAL ESTATE AGENT, YOU KNOW.

THOSE GUYS AREPRETTY SLEAZY.

AND WHAT KINDA HO ISTHIS CHICK ANYWAY,

THAT SHE'S GOT SO MANYKIDS RUNNING AROUND

AND NO BABY'S DADDY IN A SHOE?

NAH, SHE GOT ABABY'S DADDY.

THAT JACK GUY.

(Nick)THE QUICK AND NIMBLEDUDE WHO'S ALWAYS

JUMPING OVER CANDLESTICKS.

OH, RIGHT.

HEY, WITH ALL THOSEKIDS, BURNING HIS

NUTS ON THAT FLAMEWOULD BE THE BEST THING

THAT COULD HAPPENTO BOTH OF THEM.

(Lewis Black)THE WORST THING ABOUTHALLOWEEN IS, OF COURSE,

CANDY CORN.

CANDY CORN IS THE ONLY CANDYIN THE HISTORY OF AMERICA

THAT'S NEVER BEENADVERTISED...

AND THERE IS A REASON.

ALL OF THE CANDY CORNTHAT WAS EVER MADE...

WAS MADE IN 1911.

AND SO, SINCE NOBODYEATS THAT STUFF,

EVERY YEAR THERE IS ATON OF IT LEFT OVER

AND THE CANDY CORN COMPANYSENDS THE GUYS TO THE VILLAGES

AND THEY COLLECT OUTOF THE DUMPSTERS

ALL THE CANDY CORNWE'VE THROWN AWAY.

THEY WASH IT.

THEY WASH IT.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THEFIRST TIME MY MOTHER

GAVE ME CANDY CORN.

SHE SAID, "HERE, LEWIS,

"THIS IS CANDY CORN.

IT IS CORN THATTASTES LIKE CANDY."

OOOH WHOOO!

THIS TASTES LIKE CRAP!

AND EVERY YEARSINCE THEN,

HALLOWEEN IS RETURNED,

AND I, LIKE ANALZHEIMER'S PATIENT,

FIND MYSELF IN THE ROOM,

AND THE ROOM HASA TABLE IN IT,

AND ON THE TABLE THEREIS A BOWL OF CANDY CORN,

AND I LOOK AT IT AS IF I'VENEVER SEEN IT BEFORE.

"CANDY CORN," I THINK.

CORN THAT TASTESLIKE CANDY.

I CAN'T WAIT.

SON OF A BITCH!

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