Elvira Kurt - Playgrounds

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 05/28/1999
  • Views: 9,888

The teeter totter was the chunky kid's revenge. (3:46)

THEY'RE IMMIGRANTS, YOU KNOW.

SO MY MOTHER WASN'T ONEOF THOSE KOOL-AID MOMS, YOU KNOW

WHO'D WELCOME EVERYONE OVERFROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD

TO OUR PLACE.

NO, SHE WAS MORE LIKE...

I DON'T WANT NO KIDSIN MY HOUSE.

NOBODY.

YOU FIND SOMEONE WANTTO FEED YOU, YOU GO THERE.

SPENT A LOT OF TIMEIN THE PLAYGROUND AS A RESULT.

WHICH, TO ME,IS THE ULTIMATE PROOF

THAT WE ARE SPOILINGTHIS NEXT CROP OF KIDS.

HAVE YOU SEENTHE PLAYGROUNDS TODAY?

EVERYTHING'S BUILT LOWTO THE GROUND.

WITH LITTLE WOOD CHIPS ORFOAM MATS TO BREAK THEIR FALL.

ALL THE SHARP EDGESHAVE TIRE PIECES ON THEM

TO MAKE THEM ALL CUSHYAND BOUNCY.

IF THEY BUMPTHEIR LITTLE HEAD...

EVERYTHING'S MADE OUTOF MOLDED PLASTIC

THAT FITS TOGETHERIN INTERLOCKING PIECES.

NOTHING POINTY, NOTHING SHARP.

EVERYTHING LOW,SOFT, CUSHY, BOUNCY.

NOT LIKE THE INSTRUMENTSOF TORTURE WE GREW UP WITH.

DO YOU REMEMBER OUR PLAYGROUNDS?

STEEL BEAMS EMBEDDEDINTO CEMENT!

( applause )

WE HAD EIGHT-FOOT-HIGHMONKEY BARS ON CONCRETE.

HEY, BUILD IT LIKE A ROCKET.

THEY'LL CLIMB TO THE TOP.

WHAT IF THEY FALL?

AW, THEIR HEADS ARE SOFT.

THEY'LL BOUNCE.

LET THE LITTLEONE-EYED BASTARDS PLAY.

WE HAD THINGSIN OUR PLAYGROUND...

DO YOU REMEMBER?

WE HAD THINGS YOU COULD ACTUALLYCONVINCE YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS

TO HURT THEMSELVES ON.

THE SWINGS WERE PERFECTFOR THIS.

GO HIGHER!

GO HIGHER!

JUMP!

( laughter and applause )

OH, YEAH.

YOU'RE RUNNING OVERTO THE LIFELESS BODY

OF YOUR BEST FRIEND

POKING IT WITH A STICK.

GET UP.

YOU SUCK.

HOW ABOUT THE TEETER-TOTTER,HUH?

WITH THE RIGHTWEIGHT DIFFERENTIAL.

THIS WAS A PERFECT CATAPULTINTO TRAFFIC, WASN'T IT?

THE TEETER-TOTTERWAS PRETTY MUCH

THE CHUNKY KID'S REVENGE,DON'T YOU THINK?

YOU WANT TO GET OFF?

SOME POOR

SKINNY-ASSED KIDTRAPPED AT THE TOP.

PLEASE!

PLEASE!

AND I AM SORRY

BUT I DON'T EVEN WANTTO THINK ABOUT THE SADISTIC MIND

THAT INVENTED THE SLIDE.

DO YOU REMEMBER OUR SLIDE, HMM?

VERTICAL.

NOT EVEN A HINT OF AN ANGLE.

JUST A VERTICAL CLIMB

THREE, FOUR STORIESINTO THE AIR

ON THOSE RUNGS THAT WERE THATNICELY POLISHED ROUNDED METAL

AND GOSH, YOU REMEMBER

HOW GOOD THE TREAD ON OURSNEAKERS WERE BACK THEN, HUH?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SAY YOU MAKE ITTO THE TOP OF THE SLIDE.

HYPOTHETICALLY.

WHAT WAITS FOR YOU AT THE TOP?

OH, NOTHING.

JUST A HUGE HUNK OF METAL

BURNING UP NICELYIN THE NOONDAY SUN, HUH?

( applause )

THERE'S A FUN RIDEDOWN IN YOUR SHORTS.

HEE..

OW!

HEE...

OW.

HEE...

OW.

HEY, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHYOUR PARENTS ARE SCREWED UP?

THEY HAD WOODEN SLIDES.

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