Baron Vaughn - Waking Up

  • Season 2 , Ep 15
  • 06/21/2013
  • Views: 20,704

Baron Vaughn knows that the only thing worse than waking up is waking up to racism and small dogs. (2:40)

I, um, really I haven't beensleeping enough lately.

Love sleep.Sleep-- great, right?

Round of applausefor sleep if you love it.

(crowd cheers)

(laughs) Sleep is great.

You're just doing nothingwhile your brain defragments.

Being awake is great.

Being awake is awesome, too.

Like, "What? Orgasms and sushi?"

But, like...

it's the transitionI don't care for.

Waking up, right?

Because you are ripped,ripped out of whatever

your brain was doingto make you happy.

Usually, I'm in a hot tubwith a successful black actress

while she gives me a backruband I make puns on her name.

"They should call youMeagan Good With Your Hands."

And then...

she looks at me,and she's like...

(imitates alarm clock beeping)

And I wake up like,"What? Sushi?"

I'm just willing to wagerthat nobody here today

woke up this morningand said to yourself,

"Oh, my God, that was the exactamount of rest I needed!

"I'm on time for everythingI need to do today!

"I like you, me,"to yourself in the mirror.

You walk out the door,"Off to the place

where no one misunderstands mecalled work."

I just hate waking upmore than anything.

It's, like, number oneon my list, waking up.

Number one, number one,waking up!

Number two is, uh... racism.

It goes: waking up,then racism--

got priorities--

and then small dogs.

That's really the order. I...

The only thing that could beworse is waking up to racism,

which is awkwardto say the least.

"What a lovely rest.

"Why is this ropearound my neck?

"Why is there a burning cross

and pugs and Chihuahuaseverywhere?!"

(laughs)

That's how I assumepeople find a burning cross.

They kind of wake up to it,right? Smell it cooking.

"What is that, breakfast?Nope, just hatred."

'Cause no one ever noticesthe workshop of the cross,

guys building it.

No one ever notices the dudesneaking down the street

in white robeswith a bunch of two-by-fours

just likea Warner Bros. cartoon.

He's like...(humming cartoon music)

(makes whooshing sounds)

Oi-oi!

(tapping)

(whooshing, fluttering)

(giggles)

(imitates Elmer Fudd):"Be very, very quiet.

I'm running for senator."

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