Todd Glass - Bits I'm Kissing Goodbye

  • Season 5, Ep 16
  • 10/14/2001
  • Views: 5,066

Todd Glass says goodbye to his old jokes. (2:11)

YOU KNOW, THEY MEMORIZE THEIR

ACTS.

HAVE YOU SEEN A LOT OF THOSE

COMEDIANS THEY MEMORIZE THEIR

ACTS?

I HAVE THINGS TO DO DURING

THE DAY SO I'M NOT GOING TO LIE

TO YOU.

I HAVE A LITTLE, UH, YOU KNOW,

UH, I AH HAVE A SOMETIMES YOU

GOTTA ENJOY LIFE.

YOU CAN'T SIT HOME STUDYING

ALL DAY, YA KNOW.

SO HERE'S WHAT I LIKE TO DO,

I LIKE TO START OUT BY KISSING

A LOT OF THE BITS GOODBYE THAT

I DID IN THE 80s AND 90s,

AND IT'S 2001 NOW ISN'T IT?

YOU'RE RIGHT IT IS AND, UH,

HERE WE GO.

LET'S START OUT BY DOING THIS.

HERE WE GO.

AH, WHEW, HERE WE GO.

YOU READY?

BY THE WAY MY AGENT'S NAME IS

T.J. AND UH HE'S BOOKING ME

FOR COLLEGE SHOWS.

ALRIGHTY.

HE BEGGED ME TO MENTION HIS

NAME.

JESUS.

UH, MEN ARE DIFFERENT FROM

WOMEN.

I'M GONNA KISS THESE BITS

GOODBYE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

MEN ARE DIFFERENT FROM WOMEN,

WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT THAN MEN.

MEN GO: HO, HO, HO.

WOMEN GO: HEE, HEE, HEE.

DOGS ARE COOL, CATS SUCK.

PEOPLE IN L.A. ARE MEAN.

PEOPLE IN NEW YORK ARE MEAN.

BLACK PEOPLE WALK LIKE THIS.

WHITE PEOPLE WALK LIKE THIS.

KANGAROOS WALK LIKE THIS.

AND WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH DOUCHE

COMMERCIALS?

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH MATTRESS

TAGS?

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH DON KING'S

HAIR?

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH LITTLE

PEANUTS ON THE AIRLINES?

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH MC HAMMER'S

PANTS?

THE FOLLOWING, THE FOLLOWING HAS

NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING

BUT THESE PEOPLE PAID ME $50

TO MENTION THEIR NAME ON TV:

JOSH SNEED, ANDY SCARPATTI AND

JOHN BEEDERMAN.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO PEZ?

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO FRESCA?

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO

GARY COLEMAN'S STAND-IN?

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE KID

THAT FELL INTO THE WELL?

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO TAB?

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO HARRY AND

THE HENDERSON'S CRAFT SERVICES

PEOPLE?

I CARE.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO VINNY

PISCATELLI, FRIEND OF MINE,

I HAVEN'T SEEN SINCE 3rd GRADE?

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO POLIO?

POLIO?

POLLY, POLLY-O, POLLY, PAULY

SHORE?

WELL AT LEAST OF THEM'S DEAD.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO

JOE PISCAPO AND WHY DIDN'T IT

HAPPEN SOONER?

THEY'RE OPENING A STARBUCK'S

EVERYWHERE NEXT WEEK,

THEY'RE GONNA OPEN ONE UP

IN MY ASS.

OH!

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

TODD>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

COME ON DIG THE HAT.

OH MY GOD.

(APPLAUSE)

WOW, I GUESS YOU REALLY LIKED

THAT ONE.

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