David Feldman - Sexual Harassment

  • Season 7 , Ep 19
  • 06/19/2003
  • Views: 1,204

What constitutes sexual harassment? (3:33)

FOR A WHILE.

WHEN WE FIRST MOVED THERE,

WE AGREED NO PHILANDERING,

UNLESS OUR WILDEST FANTASY COULD

COME TRUE.

SHE PICKED KEVIN COSTNER.

I PICKED CINDY CRAWFORD.

WELL, AFTER A COUPLE OF YEARS

WENT BY, I SAID, "HONEY,

WHY DON'T WE UPDATE THE LIST?"

[LAUGHTER]

SO SHE PICKED VIN DIESEL.

AND I PICKED OUR BABY-SITTER.

[LAUGHTER]

I WON.

[LAUGHTER]

I HOPE I'M NOT OFFENDING ANY OF

THE WOMEN HERE TONIGHT.

VERY HARD TO BE A MAN THESE DAYS

'CAUSE NO MATTER WHAT WE SAY,

YOU LADIES ARE READY TO SLAP US

WITH A SEXUAL HARASSMENT SUIT.

THAT'S WHY AT THE OFFICE,

I DON'T EVEN TALK TO WOMEN.

I JUST RUB UP AGAINST THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE WHAT CONSTITUTES SEXUAL

HARASSMENT?

IF YOU WINK AT YOUR SECRETARY,

IS THAT SEXUAL HARASSMENT?

SUPPOSE YOU DO IT BECAUSE

THERE'S SOMETHING IN YOUR

LEFT EYE.

[LAUGHTER]

SUPPOSE IT'S HER RIGHT BREAST?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU MOANING ABOUT?

HOW CAN I BE SEXIST?

I JUST HAD ANOTHER DAUGHTER,

AND I KEPT HER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I TELL MY OLDEST DAUGHTER

THAT SHE CAN GROW UP TO BE

ANYTHING SHE WANTS TO BE.

SHE CAN BE THE WIFE OF A DOCTOR,

THE WIFE OF A LAWYER.

SHE CAN EVEN BE THE WIFE OF

THE PRESIDENT BECAUSE THIS

IS THE LAND OF OPPORTUNITY.

[LAUGHTER]

I EMPOWER MY ELDEST DAUGHTER.

I TELL HER TO BE PROUD OF WHERE

SHE CAME FROM.

THAT'S WHY I NAMED HER UTERUS.

[LAUGHTER]

UTERUS FELDMAN.

SHE'S NAMED AFTER HER

GRANDMOTHER.

[LAUGHTER]

WE HAVE TO TREAT OUR CO-WORKERS

WITH RESPECT.

AND YET NOW THEY'RE GONNA PAY

BILL CLINTON $11 MILLION

TO WRITE HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY AFTER

HE DISGRACED THE PRESIDENCY?

YOU KNOW I WOULD LIKE TO BE ABLE

TO WATCH THE EVENING NEWS WITH

MY FAMILY AND NOT HAVE TO

EXPLAIN WHAT ORAL SEX MEANS

TO MY WIFE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

NEXT MONTH, WE CELEBRATE OUR

9th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

THANK YOU.

LOT OF LOVE IN THE ROOM TONIGHT.

THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE A MIXED MARRIAGE.

I'M A BLOOD.

SHE'S A CRYP.

[LAUGHTER]

WE LIKE WATCHING OLD MOVIES

TOGETHER.

LAST NIGHT, WE WERE WATCHING

"INDECENT PROPOSAL."

GREAT MOVIE, "INDECENT

PROPOSAL."

ROBERT REDFORD, DEMI MOORE.

HALFWAY THROUGH IT I TURNED

TO HER, I SAID, "YOU KNOW,

HONEY, I DON'T THINK I COULD GET

$1 MILLION FOR YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I CAN GET

50 BUCKS 20,000 TIMES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO POINT IN MY BEING HOME

RIGHT NOW.

SHE'S BREAST-FEEDING AND

I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS A GOOD SPORT DURING

THE GESTATION PERIOD 'CAUSE

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN

WITH CHILD, YOUNG MAN, BUT AS

YOU GET INTO THAT 9th, 10th,

11th MONTH YOU GOTTA BE

CREATIVE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN.

GOTTA TRY DIFFERENT ANGLES...

LIKE HER SISTER.

[LAUGHTER]

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