Ari Shaffir - The Chinese S**t Situation - Uncensored

Disaster 03/29/2016 Views: 525

When Ari Shaffir went to China, he had some digestive issues but found it hard to relieve himself because of China's difficult bathroom situation. (16:12)

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- And I open it up, and the fucking smell

that comes out of 75 differentpeople's shit rags...

It's kind of like,a cross between, like,

when Ghostbusters cross streams,and, uh, and in Indiana Jones

when they open upthe Ark of the Covenant

and all the Germansare like, "Augh!"

[dark electronic music]

[choking]

[explosion]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome to"This Is Not Happening"!

I'm your host, Ari Shaffir!

Tonight all the storiesare about disasters.

lease welcome this next comic, P

he host of the "Punch Drunkt ports" podcast, S

r. Ari Shaffir, everybody!M

Okay, this is a quick storyabout how I understood

the lyrics to a songfor the first time.

Um, I--last yearI went to China.

They told me two things--I went for comedy--so they told

me two things before I went.They gave me two rules.

First rule, they said, nobringing drugs in of any kind,

because, they said,it's punishable by death.

Yeah, and I was like, "fuck."

How much weed can I bring?

And they were like, "Ari!None!"

And I was like, "Counter offer.Some!"

And they were like,"Don't do it!"

I'm like, "I'm bringingpot cookies on the plane,

you can't stop me."

And I did.

And then we landed in Shanghai,and I had like two pot cookies

left over so I just downed themand had a great

first eight hours in Shanghai.

It was wonderful.

Here's what they don't tell you:it's not punishable by death.

To traffic drugsis punishable by death.

But if they just catch youwith them there,

it's very illegal.

It's still very illegal.

They'll kick you outof the country.

That's what they'll do.

But I thought about it,and it turns out that

I don't live in China, so...

Let's do it.

So fun--three weeks in Chinafor comedy.

Every once in a while,

every once in a while,comedy really pays off.

All you got to do islive in poverty for nine years.

And then you get yourfree trip to China.

The cool thing isis it's so illegal,

marijuana and all drugs there,especially weed.

Once you do find weed there--and I did find weed

'cause I'm a potheadand that's what potheads do.

We find weed.

When you do find weed,the cops in China

do not knowwhat marijuana smells like.

Yeah, it's just not around.

So this comedian in Beijingshowed me.

He goes, "Dude, you can smokepot right in front of them."

And he blew pot smokeright at a cop.

I'm like,"Are you out of your mind?"

He goes, "He's just thinks

you're smokingtobacco for poor people."

And he's never smelledthat smell before.

The only way they can catch you,literally, the only way they can

catch you is if you learnthe mandarin words for

"Officer,we're smoking marijuana."

And my advice isjust don't learn those words.

They're not gonna help you.

The other rule they gave meis they said, um, they said,

"No making fun ofthe Chinese government."

No making any jokes aboutChinese government.

And I was like,

"I don't have any jokes aboutChinese government."

Fucking, get over yourself,Chinese government.

Nobody's talking about you.

I've done comedy in Los Angeles,New York, London, and Toronto,

and I've never heard a singlecomedian do any jokes

about Chinese government.

'Cause it's way tooself-absorbed.

Here was a cool thing aboutChina--well, everything.

Here was the terrible thing,and about all of Asia,

it's the toilet situation.

Yeah, so you know the seatsthat go up and down

for men or women,like that seat?

So they don't have that seat.

And then, they also, they don'thave the whole toilet.

They don't have any of it.

They don't have toilets.

They don't believe in itor something.

They just got holesin the ground.

I'm--literally--it's likea regular bathroom floor,

with tiles and everything, andthen where the toilet should be

is just this hole.

And you're supposed togo over it

like a college basketball coach

and you're justsupposed to squat.

You're just supposed to squat

and shit into this hole.

And they don't tell you at all.

They don't tell youabout any of it.

They just expect you to know,so--and by the way,

in the hotels and stuffthey have regular toilets.

It's just in the rural parts.

So I was having a good time,went to the Great Wall of China.

I went to--I went to visitthe Imperial Palace.

That was cool.Nope--wait.

That's Star Wars.

"Imperial Palace," yeah,that's for sure Star Wars, yeah.

What is--uh,the Forbidden City!

That's what it is.

It's where the emperor lived.

And so I went there,and I was walking around,

having a good time, and thenI got this important phone call

from my friend diarrhea.

And, um, that's when I reallystarted to hate China

because of thistoilet situation!

I run to the bathroom.

I'm just--sprintto find the bathroom.

I burst open the door.

I'm telling you right now,when you open up a stall door,

and there's no toilet in there,

your mind can't even wrap itshead around what's happening.

It's like some sort ofoptical illusion.

You know, it's like,"Which line is longer?"

You're like, "I don't know.Top one?"

They're like, "No, same size!"

And you're like, "Bullshit.

Measure again."

Regular bathroom work--tilesand then just fucking hole.

It looks like a union guywas coming to install a toilet

and then he was like,"Oh, lunchtime."

And then he just fucking left.

And they forgotto get back to it.

I burst open the doorand I was like,

"Wha--oh, this onemust be under repair."

'Cause there's no toilet.

That's the one thingyou look for in a toilet,

is the toilet!

That's 95% of the experience,

is the actual toilet.

And I went to the next one,I was like,

"This one--are they allunder repair?

Am I just missing the sign?"

And then I remembered like,"Oh, they told me about these.

These fuckingshit-squat toilets."

That's whatyou're supposed to do.

And I reali--right then I was like,

"You know what,I'm not doing this."

I was born an Americanand I'll die an American.

And Americans sit downwhen we shit.

That's our thing.

When they say,"USA, number one."

They're talking aboutnumber two.

We're number onein number two.

And I was like,"I'm out--I'm gone."

So I left, I walked out,and I got like two steps away

and then diarrhea was like,"Of course, you're doing it."

And I was like,"Oh, yeah, diarrhea,

I forgot about you."

It gives you a break sometimes,diarrhea, you know?

Diarrhea and the hiccups,where you think they're gone

for a minute,but then they ain't gone.

We're like,"I got to shit so bad!

"I got to--what?No.

"Oh, I might be okay.

"Never have I had to shitso bad!"

So I go back into this--into this stall,

I close the door.

Side note, by the way:There's a trash can in there.

And all these--don't fuckinglook in the trash can because,

uh, they don't flushtheir toilet paper.

They throw it away.[audience groans]

Yeah, and so they havethis trash can.

You know the--the littleoffice trash cans

that, like, spin?The top spins.

You know, where it goes like--

and you can like hit it downand it like...

I always try to hit it justenough so it pops back up

and like go--it's like a ride at Six Flags

where, you know...

And I open it up,and the fucking smell

that comes out of 75 differentpeople's shit rags...

It's kind of like,a cross between, like,

when Ghostbusters cross streams,and, uh, and in Indiana Jones

when they open upthe Ark of the Covenant

and all the Germansare like, "Augh!"

That's the smellthat comes out of this thing.

So I go into this fucking stall,and I close the door.

And I'm looking at this hole.

Here's my first question:

how far do youtake your pants down?

I've done it, and I don't knowwhat the answer is.

I have no idea.

My first thought was like,"Take them down to your ankles."

'Cause that's howI'd normally do it.

But then you can't do thatbecause here's the deal,

I went down,I took them down to my ankles,

and then I, like, lined it up.

And I'm like,"Hold on a second."

Like, "My asshole

"is directly above my pants.

"How am I not gonnashit into my pants?

"Unless a heavy gustof wind comes by,

I'm for sure gonnashit into my pants."

And by the way,I thought about it

and I realized thatshitting into your pants

is actually a lot worsethan shitting in your pants.

You'd think they'd bethe same thing, right?

They're not the same thing.

Shitting into your pantsis a holocaust

compared to shittingin your pants.

'Cause if youshit in your pants--

and let's be honest,a lot of us have done that,

am I--am I not wrong?

Like, I mean likeafter ninth grade.

It happens!

Whatever, you're drinkingand you sneeze.

That's not your fault.That's just destiny.

That's just destiny.

But what do you dowhen that happens?

I know what I do.

I go home.

I go home 'cause I'm a grown manand I have shit in my pants

and I can't be outwith other people.

Just can't; I can't be out withpeople with shit in my pants.

I think about it, usually,for a second, like,

"How much shit is in there?"you know.

Like it goes through my head,and then I realize

it doesn't matter,it does not matter.

There could be a shartand it could be an unloading.

Either way, I'm a grown-upand I have shit in my pants

and I can't be outwith other people.

No matter what I'm doing,I could be in line at a movie,

and I'll be like, "Hey,you guys, that's so funny I--

"Achoo!Oh--

I'll see you guys later."

They're like, "What?Where are you going?

You wanted to see the movie."

I'm like, "Yeah, I don'twant to see it anymore.

You tell me how it was."

And just fucking slowly...

Just real slowly walk away.

You don't want to jostle at all,you know what I mean?

Just even steps.

It's just gonna be a little bitwarmer than it was before.

[audience groans]

Yeah, that's if youshit in your pants.

But if you shit int your pants,

well then, you got to nothave those pants on.

And then you got towork up the courage...

The suicide-like courage,

to put the dirty diaperback on yourself.

And you know it's gonnasquoosh in there,

like you're making a moldfor a retainer.

So anyway, it's not downto your ankles, I don't think.

And by the way, the one timeyou want handicap bars

to hold onto,

they don't have handicap bars.

They make you befucking Zen about it.

And you just got to fuckinguse your core.

So I don't knowwhat the answer is.

They don't help you in any way,by the way.

There's no diagram.

There's no fucking helpalong the way.

Everything has a diagram on it!

A hand dryer in a bathroom,

fucking, a big machine that'sright next to the sink

with one buttonright in the middle.

They're like, "No,you'll never figure this out."

So they puta little cartoon on it

of somebody pushing the buttonand then somebody else

drying their hands,

or taking the bacon.

That's a hand dryer.Chinese shit-squat toilet?

Nah, figure it out.It's intuitive.

So I have no idea.

I didn't know what to do.

So here's what I did.

I don't know if thisis right or wrong,

but I took my shirt off.

And you know the hook that's onthe door of the bathroom stalls?

I just sort of hooked iton there, and then I...

[audience clapping]

Lowered myself.

And I just kind ofdid it that way.

Feels like I shit right now.[laughs]

Yeah, I don't know ifthat's the right answer or not,

but that's what I did.It seemed to work.

It seemed to work, I mean,I shit that way, so...

I felt good too.

When I did it, I was like,"Fuck, yeah.

I live likea real Chinese person."

And I finishedand it feels great.

When you shit like this,by the way,

it's aw--it clears you outfrom the neck all the way down.

It's like you're a new man.Have you ever done it?

It feels wonderful.I do it now when I get home.

I'll stand on my toilet seat,

and then I'll fucking squat overjust for old time's sake.

Like a POW who's got to sleepunderneath the bed

once in a while.

And I did it, and I felt great.I felt wonderful.

I was very carefulnot to let my balls

touch the fu--surfaceof the thing.

'Cause I have--I havevery long balls,

and they'll occasionally touchthe water level of a toilet.

And if there's one placeI want my balls to never touch

it's the inside of aChinese shit-squat toilet.

So anyway, I finish,and I was like,

"Yeah, I did it,"and I got up to wipe,

and that's when I found out that

they don't offer toilet paperin China.

[audience groans]

Yeah, they don't believe in it.

I think their theory is:you're the one shitting,

you clean it up.

And that's not wrong!It's not even that it's wrong!

I'm just saying,you should warn people.

You should let people know.

Like everyone who lands at theairport with a round eye,

they should give thema pamphlet, and be like,

"Here, you'regonna have some problems."

Just figure it out.

I'm standing there; I'm like,"What am I gonna to do?"

Well anyway, here's the deal.

Five days before,I landed in Shanghai,

it's the first place I got to,I got there in the morning.

Uh, I got to a club, the firstplace I performed, this bar.

And the club owner was like,the bar owner was like, um,

"Oh, you just got here today?"

And I was like, "Yeah."And he goes, "Oh!"

And he gave methis packet of tissue paper.

You know those littletravel Kleenex packs?

And he gave me one of those,and he goes,

"Here.You'll need this."

It was like Gandalf had come upto me or something, you know.

And I was like,"What will I need it for?"

And he just goes,

"You'll know."

And--but he was right, though.He was right.

I was standing thereat that fucking toilet

at the--at Forbidden City,and I was like,

"What am I gonna--[frantic mumbling]

I got the toilet paper!"[indistinct yelling]

I was so excited.

Here's the problem, though,they don't give you

unlimited tissue paperin one of those things.

They give you six.

They give you six piecesof tissue paper.

With six, you can'tbe an American anymore.

You can't be like,"Ah, four at a time.

"I love to waste.

"Most resources in the world.

USA, USA!"

Not with six.

With six you got to budget.

You got to make every one count.

You got to start likeway from the bottom

and then go all the way up

to about here.

Fold.

Go back, start from the bottom.

Now we're here.

I kept doing that:Start from the bottom, now here.

Start from the bottom, now here.

And that's when I realized whatthat Drake song was all about.

[dark electronic music]

[cheers and applause]