Jimmy Carr - Animal Attacks

  • Season 13 , Ep 17
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 21,257

Jimmy reveals what you do when various animals attack. (2:57)

IF YOU'RE STUNG BY A JELLYFISH?

DOES ANYONE KNOW?

"PEE ON IT" IS EXACTLYTHE RIGHT ANSWER.

IF YOU GET STUNG BY A JELLYFISH,YOU'RE MEANT TO PEE ON IT.

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS.

I WENT ON VACATION,AND EVERYONE TOLD ME,

"IF YOU GET STUNGBY A JELLYFISH,

YOU'RE MEANT TO PEE ON IT."

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU THIS MUCH.

IT DOESN'T WORK AS WELLON SHARK BITES.

THE BOY'S FAMILY WERE LIVID.

APPARENTLY, ONCE THEY'VE BEENDEAD A COUPLE OF HOURS,

THERE IS VERY LITTLEYOU CAN DO, NO.

[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]

A BOY GENUINELY DIEDJUST TO MAKE THAT JOKE FUNNY.

DON'T CRY, IT'S JUST A JOKE.

ALTHOUGH IT WAS A JOKEABOUT PISSING ON A DEAD BOY,

SO DON'T, YOU KNOW --MAYBE CRY A LITTLE BIT,

BUT DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY.

IF YOU WERE OFFENDED BY THAT,GOOD LUCK WITH THE NEXT ONE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MEANT TODO IF YOU'RE ATTACKED BY A BEAR?

YOU'RE MEANT TO PLAY DEADIS EXACTLY THE RIGHT --

IF YOU GET ATTACKED BY A BEAR,YOU'RE MEANT TO PLAY DEAD.

YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE MEANTTO PLAY DEAD?

IT'S TO GET YOU USED TO HOWYOU'RE GONNA BE IN A MINUTE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MEANT TODO IF YOU'RE ATTACKED BY A BEAR?

Man: PEE ON IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PISS ON A BEAR?

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU THINK YOU SHOULD PISSON A BEAR IF IT ATTACKS YOU?

YOU'RE LIKE A WALKING ADVERTFOR NATURAL SELECTION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF A BEAR'S COMINGAT YOU, SIR...

...AND YOU WHIP IT OUT,

MR. BEAR IS JUST GONNA THINK,"OOH, AN HORS D'OEUVRE."

"DELICIOUS."

MY FAVORITE STORY OF THE LASTYEAR CONCERNED A STUDENT.

HE WAS WALKING HOMELATE ONE NIGHT -- HE WAS DRUNK.

THIS IS HIS CRIME --HE CALLED A POLICE HORSE "GAY."

HE SAW A POLICE OFFICERON THE BACK OF A HORSE.

HE LOOKED AT THE HORSE, HE WENT,"GAY -- YOUR HORSE IS GAY."

NOW, IF EVER THERE WASA VICTIMLESS CRIME,

SURELY THAT'S IT,CALLING A POLICE HORSE GAY.

FOR A START, THERE'S NOTHINGTHE MATTER WITH BEING GAY.

SECONDLY, IT'S A HORSE.IT CAN'T UNDERSTAND.

THIRDLY, EVEN IF BY SOME MIRACLEIT COULD UNDERSTAND,

I THINK A HORSE WOULD BE FAIRLY,YOU KNOW, OKAY

WITH BEING CALLED GAY.

BECAUSE I THINK A HORSE

WOULD BE FAIRLY SEXUALLYSELF-CONFIDENT.

FOR A START,IT'S HUNG LIKE ITSELF.

BUT THE POLICE OFFICERDIDN'T LET IT GO.

OH, NO.

HE GOT OFF THE HORSE,AND HE ARRESTED THE YOUNG MAN.

HE FINED HIM $100 FOR CALLINGA POLICE HORSE GAY.

I WISH I'D BEEN HIS LAWYER.I WOULD HAVE GOT HIM OFF.

BECAUSE IN HIS DEFENSE,THE HORSE WAS STANDING NAKED

ON ALL FOURSIN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET...

...WITH A UNIFORMED MANON HIS BACK.

THAT IS QUITE GAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

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