2014 New York Comedy Festival Headliners

Amy Schumer - Get It Done

Season 1 , Ep 101 08/18/12 Views: 102,554

As soon as she walks in, Amy Schumer can tell that she is hated by the woman who waxes her. (2:29)

WE HAVE TO GO GET IT DONE.

UGH, YEAH, LIKE,THAT DOES--SHE--

WE GO AND GET IT DONE,GUYS.

LIKE, IT DOESN'TJUST HAPPEN.

I DON'T CARE HOW COOLYOUR GIRL IS,

SHE DOESN'T HAVE, LIKE,ALOPECIA OF THE CROTCH,

IT JUST FALLS OUTIN THE SHAPE OF YOUR INITIALS.

THAT'S NOTWHAT HAPPENS.

THAT'S NOT HOWIT GOES DOWN, NO.

WE GET IT DONE.

WE HAVE TO GO SEEA WOMAN,

USUALLY FROMA THIRD-WORLD COUNTRY.

IT'S NEVER FROM, LIKE--

LIKE, IT'S NEVER METHAT COMES AND GETS YOU

FROM THE WAITING ROOM.

LIKE, I'LL NEVER BE LIKE,"HI, I'M ASHLEY.

I'M HERE TO TAKE CAREOF YOUR [bleep]."

LIKE, NO.

THAT'S NOTHOW IT GOES.

LIKE, THE CHICK WHO DOES ITTO ME IN NEW YORK,

I THINK SHE'S FROM, LIKE,THE KILLING FIELDS OF CAMBODIA.

LIKE, THIS POOR WOMAN--

I CAN TELL, LIKE, SHE HAS SEENSOME SHIT, YOU KNOW?

[laughter]

SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH IT,

AND SHE WAS,LIKE, A DOCTOR THERE.

AND NOW SHE DOES THIS,AND SHE HATES ME.

AND SHE DOESN'TEVEN HIDE IT.

I WALK IN,SHE'S LIKE, "UGH."

I'M LIKE, "UH, SORRY."

BUT SHE SHOULD, SHE SHOULDHATE ME BECAUSE I'M LIKE--

WE'RE THE WORST--WHITE, ENTITLED GIRLS.

I WALK IN CHEWING GUM,I'M ON MY PHONE.

I'M JUST LIKE...

I'M LIKE, "DON'T GET ANY WAXON MY NEW UGGS.

WHAT?"

SHE'S LIKE, "MY PARENTSWERE MURDERED IN FRONT OF ME."

I'M LIKE,"I'M ON THE PHONE. WHAT?

BUT SHE WINS.

LIKE, THOSE CHICKSWIN EVERY TIME

'CAUSE WHAT THEY DO,

AND I ALWAYS FORGET THIS,THEY GO--

SHE GOES AND GETS A MIRROR,AND SHE SHOWS IT TO ME.

SHE SHOWS MEMY OWN VAGINA.

AND I HAVE TO ACTLIKE I'M NOT HORRIFIED.

[laughter]

AND I'M HORRIFIED.

IT'S THE WORST THINGIN THE WORLD.

AND WHAT SHE'S SAYINGIN THAT MOMENT IS,

"ARE YOU HAPPY NOW,YOU DUMB BITCH?

"YOU JUST PAID METO ASSAULT YOU.

"AND NOW YOU LOOKLIKE A TODDLER.

IS THAT WHAT--IS THAT COOL, YEAH?"

THAT'S NOT COOL.

IT'S THE WORST THINGYOU'LL EVER SEE IN YOUR LIFE.

IT'S RED.IT LOOKS ANGRY.

IT LOOKS LIKEAN OLD MAN FROWNING.

JUST, "NO!"

[laughter]

"VISIT ME!

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