SOUTH BEACH COMEDY FESTIVAL 2013

Watch highlights from this year’s Lincoln Road stage, with Michael Che, Sarah Tiana, Sean Donnelly, Brooks Wheelan and Chris Distefano.

Uncensored - Sarah Tiana - Small Talk

Season 1 04/20/13 Views: 1,541

It's hard for Latino guys to make small talk with Sarah Tiana when they're whistling at her. (3:13)

[music playing]

-I hate small talk.

You know who nevermakes small talk ever?

It's the best.

Black guys.

Black guys nevermake small talk.

Black guys just talkabout every single thing

that you're doing atthat exact moment.

Oh, look at youwalking towards me.

Walking towards me.

One foot in front of the other,you just walking towards me,

girl.

Cause you got to get upto that bar, don't you?

You an independent woman.

You can buy your owndrink, can't you?

You better put a ring on it.

You better put a ring on it.

Oh, you like limes, too?

You like sipping on thatlime, don't you baby girl?

Oh, straws, too?

Cause you likesucking on that straw.

Oh, look at you walkingback towards me,

walking back towards me.

One foot in front of theother, you just walking back

towards me, 'cause you got toget out to that dance floor.

Look at you, rolling youreyes, flipping your hair,

looking at your pretend watch.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

[applause]

Did someone justnarrate my life?

Latin guys don't makesmalltalk either.

Right?

Because it's kind of hard tomake small talk when you're

whistling at me thewhole time, isn't it?

[whistles] Mami.

[whistles] Mami.

Was that for--you're talking to me?

[whistles] Mami.

No, I don't want tohave tacos with you.

I'm assuming thatwhat's you said.

Get your shit together.

I like Persianguys, the Arab guys.

They just riddle you with guilt.

That's their move.

They'll ask youout way too fast?

Do you want to get coffee?

Uh, it's 3:00 in the afternoon.

It's hot out.

I already had coffee,and we're in Home Depot

right now, so I'm just like,really not in the mood--

(FOREIGN ACCENT) Don'tmake a big deal out of it.

Let's go.

We're not walking downthe aisle, crazy lady.

It's just talking to each otherover coffee for four hours.

Not a big deal, OK?

Stop making itlike we're walking

down the aisle in your mind.

Let's go.

(WHISPERING) Go fuck yourself.

Asian guys nevereven talk to me.

It's kind of hard to get themout of their gang of nine

that they'redancing in a circle.

White guys are the worst,because white guys will get

your phone number and thenthey'll small talk text you,

which is the most annoying thingon the whole fucking planet.

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

-Yeah.

I gave you my phonenumber so that you

would call me like a grown-up.

Not so that our firstcommunication ever

is a text from you thatsays, how you doing?

How am I doing?

We'll, if I reallyresponded how I was doing,

that would be aparagraph, and then

you would think I was crazy.

Because whenever a guy'lltext you, how you doing,

ladies, what he'strying to say is, hey,

I would really like tohave sex with you later,

but that is, hmm,four hours from now.

So I was hoping we could openup the lines of communication,

get some witty bantergoing, and maybe I can

a blowjob out ofthis, what do you say?

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