The Colbert Report
Season 5 • 07/20/2009
White people are being discriminated against, making them the new black people.
Intro - 7/16/09The Colbert ReportS5
Stephen is emotionally dead inside, and Ed Andrews should write about teen vampires if he wants to get out of debt.
The Memy AwardsThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen announces the nominees for the Memy Awards' one and only category: Outstanding Individual.
Edmund AndrewsThe Colbert ReportS5
Edmund Andrews explains how he fell victim to the mortgage crisis as a New York Times economics reporter.
Cheating Death - Diabetes Dogs, Chocolate Milk & Swearing in PainThe Colbert ReportS5
Dogs help fight diabetes, chocolate milk replaces sports drinks, and swearing after an injury alleviates pain.
Sign Off - Stephen WinsThe Colbert ReportS5
If you've had half as much fun watching the show as Stephen has had doing it, then he's had twice as much fun.
Walter Cronkite RememberedThe Colbert ReportS5
Walter Cronkite's passing doesn't get the kind of cable news attention Stephen believes it deserves.
Sport Report - Jessica Simpson, Olympic Brothel & Bud LightThe Colbert ReportS5
Tony Romo breaks up with Jessica Simpson, an Olympic hopeful opens a brothel, and Stephen loves the taste of Bud Light.
Reverse Racism - Geoffrey CanadaThe Colbert ReportS5
Geoffrey Canada can't find any area where white men are being disproportionately victimized.
Bob ParkThe Colbert ReportS5
Bob Park doesn't understand why humans need go to space when robots can do a better job.
Reverse RacismThe Colbert ReportS5
As a recent black man, Stephen looks forward to hearing President Obama's NAACP speech.
The Word - A Perfect WorldThe Colbert ReportS5
Investigating prisoner abuse will be a political food fight, and that is messier than torture.
Better Know a Lobby - AcornThe Colbert ReportS5
Acorn's chief community organizer, Bertha Lewis, needs to know the number of Stephen's sexual partners for her census form.
Sign Off - Stephen's ChipThe Colbert ReportS5
The opinions expressed tonight are exclusively Stephen's -- the chip in his head only makes suggestions.
Aaron CarrollThe Colbert ReportS5
Aaron Carroll believes the single-payer system will cost less, cover everyone and lead to better outcomes.
Intro - 7/21/09The Colbert ReportS5
Stephen will be the mighty oak when he investigates Acorn, and Aaron Carroll believes America should have a single-payer system.
40th Anniversary of the Moon LandingThe Colbert ReportS5
To celebrate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, Stephen re-airs his historic broadcast from July 20, 1969.
Sniper TrifleThe Colbert ReportS5
The only huge surprise about Dick Cheney having his own secret assassination squad is that it didn't include cannibalism.
Intro - 7/22/09The Colbert ReportS5
The truth behind the CIA's secret assassination squad is revealed, and Chris Anderson talks about a future economy where everything is free.
Chris AndersonThe Colbert ReportS5
Chris Anderson explains how it's possible for companies to make money by providing free services.
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