The Colbert Report
America Does Not Swear On Camera
Season 5 • 04/23/2009
We are America. We do not swear on camera.
Intro - 4/22/09The Colbert ReportS5
President Obama returns from the Summit of the Americas, and Stephen looks forward to making fun of Ira Glass' glasses.
"The Price Is Right" Goes GreenThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen bids less than a dollar on environmentally friendly prizes.
Summit of All FearsThe Colbert ReportS5
Esteban Colberto believes Barack Obama has bigger plantains to fry than the Summit of the Americas.
Where and When Is Stephen Going to the Persian Gulf? - QatarThe Colbert ReportS5
Alcohol and pornography aren't allowed in Qatar, but they didn't say anything about O'Doul's and the Talbots catalogue.
Never Go to Bed AngryThe Colbert ReportS5
Don't go to bed angry. Stephen will do that for you.
The Word - Brunt DoubleThe Colbert ReportS5
Until we can all agree on whom we should be angry at, tearing each other apart is the best plan we've got.
Intro - 4/23/09The Colbert ReportS5
Who is to blame for the economic crisis? If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, the ducks probably did it.
Illegitimate Grandson of an AlligatorThe Colbert ReportS5
Have you heard the rumor that Bill Posey's grandmother had her alligator baby out of wedlock?
Elizabeth BintliffThe Colbert ReportS5
Elizabeth Bintliff brings along Daisy the Cow to promote Heifer International, an organization that delivers livestock to developing countries.
America Does Not Swear On CameraThe Colbert ReportS5
Shepard Smith swearing on camera isn't something one gets away with like torture.
Days of Swine and DosesThe Colbert ReportS5
The swine flu virus contains a little something from pig, bird and human -- just like Stephen's paella recipe.
Shout Out - Kids EditionThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen promises never to eat Ewok, provides some child-safe Nazi footage and raises the competition on donorschoose.org.
The DecemberistsThe Colbert ReportS5
Colin Meloy describes The Decemberists' latest album by listing influences Stephen's never heard of.
Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard - Fir Tree LungThe Colbert ReportS5
Christmas trees are supposed to warm the cockles of our hearts, not infest the alveoli of our lungs.
Intro - 4/27/09The Colbert ReportS5
Swine flu rages, and The Decemberists stop by and officially sell out.
A Rare Correction - Stephen Eats an EwokThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen wasn't completely honest when he said he'd never eat an Ewok.
Daniel GrossThe Colbert ReportS5
Daniel Gross urges rich cable TV personalities to buy steaks, cigars and whiskey.
Arlen Specter Contracts Donkey FluThe Colbert ReportS5
Republicans tried to fight off donkey flu, but their white cells weren't strong enough.
No Animals Were HarmedThe Colbert ReportS5
No animals were harmed, but after the credits roll, all bets are off.
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