The Colbert Report
The Longest Solar Eclipse of the Century
Season 5 • 07/22/2009
Asia's galactic overlord, Xenu, has returned their sun with conditions.
Sign Off - Stephen's ChipThe Colbert ReportS5
The opinions expressed tonight are exclusively Stephen's -- the chip in his head only makes suggestions.
Aaron CarrollThe Colbert ReportS5
Aaron Carroll believes the single-payer system will cost less, cover everyone and lead to better outcomes.
Intro - 7/21/09The Colbert ReportS5
Stephen will be the mighty oak when he investigates Acorn, and Aaron Carroll believes America should have a single-payer system.
40th Anniversary of the Moon LandingThe Colbert ReportS5
To celebrate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, Stephen re-airs his historic broadcast from July 20, 1969.
Sniper TrifleThe Colbert ReportS5
The only huge surprise about Dick Cheney having his own secret assassination squad is that it didn't include cannibalism.
Intro - 7/22/09The Colbert ReportS5
The truth behind the CIA's secret assassination squad is revealed, and Chris Anderson talks about a future economy where everything is free.
Chris AndersonThe Colbert ReportS5
Chris Anderson explains how it's possible for companies to make money by providing free services.
Pope Wrist WatchThe Colbert ReportS5
The best way to spread wrist awareness is by getting a WristStrong bracelet to Pope Benedict XVI.
Sniper Trifle - Matthew WaxmanThe Colbert ReportS5
Matthew Waxman discusses the legal argument over whether to alert Congress about certain covert action programs.
The Longest Solar Eclipse of the CenturyThe Colbert ReportS5
Xenu returned Asia's sun, but he will devour it again unless India returns America's outsourced jobs and China forgives the national debt.
Zev ChafetsThe Colbert ReportS5
Zev Chafets doesn't have a problem with steroid use in baseball, but he is concerned about its cover-up.
Sign Off - TiVoThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen doesn't want to know how the show ends because he's TiVo'ing it.
Health Care Hell-Scare - Die-agnosis: Mur-DRThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen invites expert victims from Canada, France and Spain to relay their horrible experiences of socialized medicine.
Health Care Reform Is the MatrixThe Colbert ReportS5
President Obama's health care reform is a dystopian future filled with chaos and floor-length leather trench coats.
ThreatDown - Henry Louis Gates Jr., Bill Gates & Wilford BrimleyThe Colbert ReportS5
Henry Louis Gates Jr. commits the perfect crime, Bill Gates tries to control the weather, and Wilford Brimley has too much free time.
Intro - 7/27/09The Colbert ReportS5
A report on tasers may shock you, and Swedish band Movits! helps Stephen put his Ikea futon together.
Movits!The Colbert ReportS5
Because the guys from Movits! are from Sweden, they're forced to have the same hair length and glasses.
Sarah Palin Will Be MissedThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen says goodbye to Sarah Palin in the same way he imagines she writes her own speeches.
Nailed 'Em - Library CrimeThe Colbert ReportS5
The local library bans Dominic Philip after spotting a photo of him tooting a kazoo in their summer reading parade.
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