The Colbert Report
Nailed 'Em - Library Crime
Season 5 • 07/27/2009
Seven-year-old Dominic Philip will never be able to go to the library and check out books again.
The Colbert ReportS5 The Longest Solar Eclipse of the Century
Xenu returned Asia's sun, but he will devour it again unless India returns America's outsourced jobs and China forgives the national debt.
The Colbert ReportS5 Zev Chafets
Zev Chafets doesn't have a problem with steroid use in baseball, but he is concerned about its cover-up.
The Colbert ReportS5 Sign Off - TiVo
Stephen doesn't want to know how the show ends because he's TiVo'ing it.
The Colbert ReportS5 Health Care Hell-Scare - Die-agnosis: Mur-DR
Stephen invites expert victims from Canada, France and Spain to relay their horrible experiences of socialized medicine.
The Colbert ReportS5 Health Care Reform Is the Matrix
President Obama's health care reform is a dystopian future filled with chaos and floor-length leather trench coats.
The Colbert ReportS5 ThreatDown - Henry Louis Gates Jr., Bill Gates & Wilford Brimley
Henry Louis Gates Jr. commits the perfect crime, Bill Gates tries to control the weather, and Wilford Brimley has too much free time.
The Colbert ReportS5 Intro - 7/27/09
A report on tasers may shock you, and Swedish band Movits! helps Stephen put his Ikea futon together.
The Colbert ReportS5 Movits!
Because the guys from Movits! are from Sweden, they're forced to have the same hair length and glasses.
The Colbert ReportS5 Sarah Palin Will Be Missed
Stephen says goodbye to Sarah Palin in the same way he imagines she writes her own speeches.
The Colbert ReportS5 Nailed 'Em - Library Crime
The local library bans Dominic Philip after spotting a photo of him tooting a kazoo in their summer reading parade.
The Colbert ReportS5 Womb Raiders - Orly Taitz
Stephen thanks Orly Taitz for being one of the few people willing to compare the Obama administration to Nazi Germany.
The Colbert ReportS5 Arianna Huffington
Arianna Huffington was born in the United States, but she cultivated an accent to give herself an air of being an ethnic minority.
The Colbert ReportS5 President Obama's Teachable Moment
Obama's teaching: if you arrest a black man under questionable circumstances, you get to have a beer with the president.
The Colbert ReportS5 Sign Off - Devil's Tricks
One of the greatest tricks the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
The Colbert ReportS5 Womb Raiders - The Fight for the Truth Behind Obama's Birth
Stephen wants to hear from one of the sperm that witnessed President Obama's conception in order to verify his birthplace.
The Colbert ReportS5 Intro - 7/29/09
Lance Armstrong comes in third in the Tour de France, and Kevin Baker says Obama is the new Hoover.
The Colbert ReportS5 Sport Report - Tour de France & Robotic Baseball
A person who isn't Lance Armstrong wins the Tour de France, and Japanese robots make baseball interesting.
The Colbert ReportS5 Sign Off - Watch Without Blinking
If you watch this episode again without blinking, you get three percent more programming.
The Colbert ReportS5 Frank the Roommate
After Viacom's profits fall by 32%, Stephen cuts his costs by taking on a roommate.
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