The Colbert Report

Intro - 8/3/09

Season 5 • 08/03/2009

Obama can pay for health care by putting out a jar that says, "add a kidney, take a kidney."

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00:14

The Colbert ReportS5
Intro - 7/30/09

Stephen can't start the show because his roommate, Frank, is sitting at his desk.
07/30/2009
04:37

The Colbert ReportS5
Kathryn Bigelow

Kathryn Bigelow's war movie, "The Hurt Locker," is getting great reviews, despite not having explosions and ear-splitting sound effects.
07/30/2009
03:55

The Colbert ReportS5
Tip/Wag - Man-Words & Movits!

Educators ban man-words from textbooks, and Stephen discovers America's newest pop sensation, Movits!
07/30/2009
02:06

The Colbert ReportS5
Sign Off - Taco Bell Spokesdog

Taco Bell's beloved spokesdog, Gidget, is on a farm upstate, playing with other dogs that are dead.
07/30/2009
05:55

The Colbert ReportS5
MeTunes - Hit of the Summer

Stephen can't get behind current hits from The Black Eyed Peas, Jeremih and Sean Kingston, so he creates his own song of the summer.
07/30/2009
05:07

The Colbert ReportS5
Tony Zinni

General Tony Zinni cites David Petraeus, Barack Obama and Richard Branson as examples of great leaders.
08/03/2009
00:03

The Colbert ReportS5
Sign Off - Goodnight

That's it for the show, everybody.
08/03/2009
05:14

The Colbert ReportS5
Bears & Balls - How to Pay for Health Care

Democrats want to pay for health care reform by taxing sodas and killing old people.
08/03/2009
04:46

The Colbert ReportS5
Nailed 'Em - War on Birth Control

The Fairfax County School Board nails a teen junkie for taking birth control in the cafeteria.
08/03/2009
02:56

The Colbert ReportS5
Dominic Philip's Book Habit

Stephen cures Dominic Philip's reading habit by sending him an entire box of books and forcing him to read every last one of them.
08/03/2009
00:31

The Colbert ReportS5
Intro - 8/3/09

President Obama finds a way to pay for health care, and General Anthony Zinni will wax Stephen's chest.
08/03/2009
04:57

The Colbert ReportS5
The Word - Hippie Replacement

Soon America's grassroots people-power movements will be rid of the one thing that's holding them back: people.
08/04/2009
06:24

The Colbert ReportS5
Kurt Andersen

According to Kurt Andersen, the economic and health crises give Americans a brief chance to get things where they want them.
08/04/2009
00:10

The Colbert ReportS5
Sign Off - Love Makes the World Go Round

Love makes the world go round, so stop hogging all the credit, physics.
08/04/2009
04:57

The Colbert ReportS5
Colbert Bump Cocktail - David Wondrich

David Wondrich serves Stephen drinks from the Great Depression and the Civil War, and invents a Colbert Bump cocktail.
08/04/2009
02:42

The Colbert ReportS5
Merry Barackmas

Karl Marx takes gifts from Stephen to give to lazy people who don't deserve nice things.
08/04/2009
03:13

The Colbert ReportS5
Human Week

Since sharks don't kill that many people, the Discovery Channel should replace their Shark Week with Human Week.
08/05/2009
08:11

The Colbert ReportS5
2010 Midterms - Joe Sestak

Joe Sestak is running against Arlen Specter for the Pennsylvania Senate seat so he can bring health care reform to all Americans.
08/05/2009
02:44

The Colbert ReportS5
Bill Clinton's Personal Appearance

Bill Clinton frees two journalists from North Korea, but Laura Ling leaves without her delicious sandwich.
08/05/2009
05:49

The Colbert ReportS5
Kris Kobach

Kris Kobach wants to fight illegal immigration on the local level and reward the people willing to come to this country legally.
08/05/2009
00:02

The Colbert ReportS5
Sign Off - Goodnight

Stephen says goodnight.
08/05/2009
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