The Colbert Report
Intro - 8/3/09
Season 5 • 08/03/2009
Obama can pay for health care by putting out a jar that says, "add a kidney, take a kidney."
The Colbert ReportS5 Intro - 7/30/09
Stephen can't start the show because his roommate, Frank, is sitting at his desk.
The Colbert ReportS5 Kathryn Bigelow
Kathryn Bigelow's war movie, "The Hurt Locker," is getting great reviews, despite not having explosions and ear-splitting sound effects.
The Colbert ReportS5 Tip/Wag - Man-Words & Movits!
Educators ban man-words from textbooks, and Stephen discovers America's newest pop sensation, Movits!
The Colbert ReportS5 Sign Off - Taco Bell Spokesdog
Taco Bell's beloved spokesdog, Gidget, is on a farm upstate, playing with other dogs that are dead.
The Colbert ReportS5 MeTunes - Hit of the Summer
Stephen can't get behind current hits from The Black Eyed Peas, Jeremih and Sean Kingston, so he creates his own song of the summer.
The Colbert ReportS5 Tony Zinni
General Tony Zinni cites David Petraeus, Barack Obama and Richard Branson as examples of great leaders.
The Colbert ReportS5 Bears & Balls - How to Pay for Health Care
Democrats want to pay for health care reform by taxing sodas and killing old people.
The Colbert ReportS5 Nailed 'Em - War on Birth Control
The Fairfax County School Board nails a teen junkie for taking birth control in the cafeteria.
The Colbert ReportS5 Dominic Philip's Book Habit
Stephen cures Dominic Philip's reading habit by sending him an entire box of books and forcing him to read every last one of them.
The Colbert ReportS5 Intro - 8/3/09
President Obama finds a way to pay for health care, and General Anthony Zinni will wax Stephen's chest.
The Colbert ReportS5 The Word - Hippie Replacement
Soon America's grassroots people-power movements will be rid of the one thing that's holding them back: people.
The Colbert ReportS5 Kurt Andersen
According to Kurt Andersen, the economic and health crises give Americans a brief chance to get things where they want them.
The Colbert ReportS5 Sign Off - Love Makes the World Go Round
Love makes the world go round, so stop hogging all the credit, physics.
The Colbert ReportS5 Colbert Bump Cocktail - David Wondrich
David Wondrich serves Stephen drinks from the Great Depression and the Civil War, and invents a Colbert Bump cocktail.
The Colbert ReportS5 Merry Barackmas
Karl Marx takes gifts from Stephen to give to lazy people who don't deserve nice things.
The Colbert ReportS5 Human Week
Since sharks don't kill that many people, the Discovery Channel should replace their Shark Week with Human Week.
The Colbert ReportS5 2010 Midterms - Joe Sestak
Joe Sestak is running against Arlen Specter for the Pennsylvania Senate seat so he can bring health care reform to all Americans.
The Colbert ReportS5 Bill Clinton's Personal Appearance
Bill Clinton frees two journalists from North Korea, but Laura Ling leaves without her delicious sandwich.
The Colbert ReportS5 Kris Kobach
Kris Kobach wants to fight illegal immigration on the local level and reward the people willing to come to this country legally.
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