The Colbert Report

Stealing Lincoln's Body

Season 3 • 05/14/2007

Stephen explains what Lincoln's would-be grave robbers did wrong.

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00:37

Intro - 5/10/07
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In tonight's episode, Stephen sits down with Rolling Stone Magazine founder Jann Wenner, and Japanese magicians sue TV stations for revealing their secrets.
05/10/2007
01:09

Hometown Hero Town - Naperville, IL
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In Naperville, if you're too drunk to drive, you can get your car towed to your house.
05/10/2007
03:17

The Word - Illusion
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When someone reveals how things are done, we need to resist the impulse to understand the mystery.
05/10/2007
05:44

He's Singing in Korean
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In order to reign in Korean pop star Rain, Stephen shows his own influential Korean R&B music video.
05/10/2007
02:57

The In-Box - Doctor Colbert
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Dr. B. accuses Stephen of being irresponsible by posing as a medical professional.
05/10/2007
00:28

Intro - 5/14/07
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Stephen ponders President Bush's replacement for Tony Blair, the cool guy in movies becomes hard to find and William Langewiesche talks nuclear weapons.
05/14/2007
03:44

The Word - Supporting Role
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As the replacement for Tony Blair is considered, Stephen suggests someone with a good accent. Ian McKellen works because he makes things like the war sound smart.
05/14/2007
04:30

Tip/Wag - Mitt Romney
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Mitt Romney gets a wag of the finger for speaking out against polygamy while the Boston Pops get a tip of the hat for having audience members who rumble.
05/14/2007
07:06

William Langewiesche
The Colbert ReportS3

William Langewiesche explains to Stephen why America shouldn't spend too much time worrying about other nations getting the nuclear bomb.
05/14/2007
02:30

Ferrari List
The Colbert ReportS3

As Stephen was getting ready to buy a new Ferrari, he learned that there's a shortage and a waiting list. Luckily, he's next in line on a kidney list and willing to trade.
05/14/2007
01:25

Stealing Lincoln's Body
The Colbert ReportS3

Stephen gives detailed instruction for how to properly steal Abraham Lincoln's body and adds a moldering stovepipe hat to the bookshelf.
05/14/2007
01:50

Alpha Dog of the Week - Michael Wiley
The Colbert ReportS3

Triple amputee Michael Wiley tore down the wall of stereotype, showing that disabled people are not always nice, sweet and innocent, but mean and great at driving.
05/15/2007
06:17

Walter Isaacson
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Walter Isaacson speaks to Stephen about Albert Einstein's rebellious childhood and how he used the Nobel Prize to get his wife to divorce him.
05/15/2007
04:04

The Word - Heated Debate
The Colbert ReportS3

Barry Lucier shouldn't be forced to watch movies he doesn't agree with -- college is not a place to learn new ideas.
05/15/2007
02:04

Pasadena, India
The Colbert ReportS3

Stephen reports on the demise of the mainstream media with a story about two reporters in India who are covering local Pasadena news.
05/15/2007
02:29

Bonus Wag - Bush Graphic
The Colbert ReportS3

Stephen gives a bonus wag to CNN International for airing a "Bush Resigns" graphic when they meant Tony Blair. He then shows us exactly how much time Bush has left in office.
05/15/2007
00:34

Intro - 5/15/07
The Colbert ReportS3

A college student objects to watching "An Inconvenient Truth," Stephen sees things in Wolf Blitzer's beard and Walter Isaacson joins Stephen to talk Einstein.
05/15/2007
01:16

R.I.P. Ted Maiman
The Colbert ReportS3

Stephen pays tribute to Dr. Ted Maiman, the inventor of the first working laser. He honors him by letting him know that his ray of light was a true ray of light.
05/15/2007
01:50

McNulty Guilty
The Colbert ReportS3

Stephen is so excited to announce that Deputy Attorney General Paul J. McNulty has resigned, he draws a Fu Manchu on his face.
05/15/2007
00:12

Sign Off - Name of City Here
The Colbert ReportS3

Stephen says goodnight to name of city here.
05/16/2007
06:50

Howard Dean
The Colbert ReportS3

Stephen asks Howard Dean, hypothetically, which candidate would he support: Arack Bobama or Mallory Vinton?
05/16/2007
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