The Colbert Report
Season 5 • 04/21/2009
Mike Krzyzewski sells Stephen on teamwork.
Stephen's Only RegretsThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen's only regret is all the great stuff that was cut out because the audience wouldn't stop cheering.
Anger's AweighThe Colbert ReportS5
Granting vigilantes the right to shoot pirates on the high seas is the free market at its best.
Tip/Wag - Texas Secession & MACAThe Colbert ReportS5
Texas Governor Rick Perry wants to secede, and MACA urges the Obamas to use pesticides in their organic garden.
Intro - 4/20/09The Colbert ReportS5
How to deal with the scourge of piracy -- if only there were a form of transportation besides boats.
Castro Death Wish ListThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen wants to force feed Castro hot dogs and make him watch "This Week with George Stephanopoulos."
The Word - Stressed PositionThe Colbert ReportS5
Americans will get justice for torture without making any of the good guys pay the price.
George Will's Demon DenimThe Colbert ReportS5
George Will launches a righteous attack against Satan's denim leg tubes.
Who's Riding My Coattails Now? - Blown Away by the USAThe Colbert ReportS5
Act now and receive Stephen's patriotic CD collection: "Blown Away by the USA," "Stunned by the States" and "Flabbergasted by the Flag."
Intro - 4/21/09The Colbert ReportS5
President Obama releases CIA torture memos. It's like the greatest hits of our greatest hits.
Special DVD CommentaryThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen offers special DVD commentary for those who recorded tonight's show and burned it onto a DVD.
Mike KrzyzewskiThe Colbert ReportS5
Mike Krzyzewski differentiates between teamwork and socialism.
Ira GlassThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen wants to know if Ira Glass will be just as lifeless hosting a live cinema performance as he is on the radio.
Intro - 4/22/09The Colbert ReportS5
President Obama returns from the Summit of the Americas, and Stephen looks forward to making fun of Ira Glass' glasses.
"The Price Is Right" Goes GreenThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen bids less than a dollar on environmentally friendly prizes.
Summit of All FearsThe Colbert ReportS5
Esteban Colberto believes Barack Obama has bigger plantains to fry than the Summit of the Americas.
Where and When Is Stephen Going to the Persian Gulf? - QatarThe Colbert ReportS5
Alcohol and pornography aren't allowed in Qatar, but they didn't say anything about O'Doul's and the Talbots catalogue.
Never Go to Bed AngryThe Colbert ReportS5
Don't go to bed angry. Stephen will do that for you.
The Word - Brunt DoubleThe Colbert ReportS5
Until we can all agree on whom we should be angry at, tearing each other apart is the best plan we've got.
Intro - 4/23/09The Colbert ReportS5
Who is to blame for the economic crisis? If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, the ducks probably did it.
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