The Colbert Report
Intro - 8/12/09
Season 5 • 08/12/2009
President Obama hands out the Medal of Freedom. Haven't we had enough government handouts?
Stephen's Driving Tips via Twitter ServiceThe Colbert ReportS5
After Stephen learns how dangerous texting while driving is, he starts his new Driving Tips via Twitter service.
Alpha Dog of the Week - Betty LichtensteinThe Colbert ReportS5
Betty Lichtenstein gives herself a fake award at a phony banquet for being the best pretend nurse.
Yes We Afghan - James CarvilleThe Colbert ReportS5
James Carville campaigns for Ashraf Ghani in Afghanistan's upcoming presidential election for the opportunity -- not for the money or opium.
Sign Off - Prevent Forest FiresThe Colbert ReportS5
Only you can prevent forest fires by getting rid of forests.
Intro - 8/11/09The Colbert ReportS5
Afghanistan prepares for Bring Your Rocket Launcher to Work Day, and Jonathan Cohn explains why America's having a health care crisis.
Jonathan CohnThe Colbert ReportS5
According to Jonathan Cohn, the health care crisis forces even middle class Americans, who play by the rules, to choose between bankruptcy and medical care.
Americans Sacrifice Their iPodsThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen saves the environment by donating his old iPod to an endangered mountain snail.
Who's Not Honoring Me Now? - Obama, NRA & Teen Choice AwardsThe Colbert ReportS5
Barack Obama awards the Medal of Freedom to Sidney Poitier, the NRA recognizes Sarah Palin for gun collecting, and Joe Jonas steals Stephen's idea at the "Teen Choice Awards."
Formidable Opponent - Health Care & Burger KingThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen denies ever saying Aetna is a bigger threat to America than Osama bin Laden, and Stephen heckles a Burger King commercial.
Mark JohnsonThe Colbert ReportS5
Mark Johnson explores the way music helps us persevere through struggles with his movement, "Playing for Change."
Intro - 8/12/09The Colbert ReportS5
Americans speak Glenn Beck's mind at town hall meetings, and Mark Johnson spreads peace through music.
Sign Off - Stephen's Online InformationThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen's online password is always "actionman4" and his MasterCard security code is 786.
Mark DevlinThe Colbert ReportS5
Mark Devlin sends giant weather balloons into space to learn about galaxies that are billions of light years away.
Sheila Jackson-Lee Takes a Phone CallThe Colbert ReportS5
Sheila Jackson-Lee interrupting a cancer survivor to answer her phone looks bad, but it was a very important call.
Glenn-Harried Glenn-LostThe Colbert ReportS5
Glenn Beck didn't call President Obama a racist, and he didn't compare his health care plan to Hitler's eugenics program.
Intro - 8/13/09The Colbert ReportS5
Glenn Beck loses his sponsors, and Mark Devlin uses giant balloons to life telescopes to the edge of space.
Cheating Death - Blue M&Ms, Vitamin D & HormonesThe Colbert ReportS5
Blue M&Ms heal spinal injuries in rats, kids spend too much time indoors, and all women need hormones.
Even Better-er Know a District - Colorado's 2nd - Jared PolisThe Colbert ReportS5
Jared Polis didn't announce that he was gay as a political ploy to get elected in a liberal district.
Bill McKibbenThe Colbert ReportS5
Bill McKibben urges international leaders to take steps to lower the world's carbon dioxide levels through his 350.org movement.
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