The Colbert Report

Intro - 8/12/09

Season 5 • 08/12/2009

President Obama hands out the Medal of Freedom. Haven't we had enough government handouts?

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02:22

Stephen's Driving Tips via Twitter Service
The Colbert ReportS5

After Stephen learns how dangerous texting while driving is, he starts his new Driving Tips via Twitter service.
08/11/2009
02:36

Alpha Dog of the Week - Betty Lichtenstein
The Colbert ReportS5

Betty Lichtenstein gives herself a fake award at a phony banquet for being the best pretend nurse.
08/11/2009
07:39

Yes We Afghan - James Carville
The Colbert ReportS5

James Carville campaigns for Ashraf Ghani in Afghanistan's upcoming presidential election for the opportunity -- not for the money or opium.
08/11/2009
00:13

Sign Off - Prevent Forest Fires
The Colbert ReportS5

Only you can prevent forest fires by getting rid of forests.
08/11/2009
00:35

Intro - 8/11/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Afghanistan prepares for Bring Your Rocket Launcher to Work Day, and Jonathan Cohn explains why America's having a health care crisis.
08/11/2009
06:11

Jonathan Cohn
The Colbert ReportS5

According to Jonathan Cohn, the health care crisis forces even middle class Americans, who play by the rules, to choose between bankruptcy and medical care.
08/11/2009
02:10

Americans Sacrifice Their iPods
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen saves the environment by donating his old iPod to an endangered mountain snail.
08/12/2009
05:19

Who's Not Honoring Me Now? - Obama, NRA & Teen Choice Awards
The Colbert ReportS5

Barack Obama awards the Medal of Freedom to Sidney Poitier, the NRA recognizes Sarah Palin for gun collecting, and Joe Jonas steals Stephen's idea at the "Teen Choice Awards."
08/12/2009
04:49

Formidable Opponent - Health Care & Burger King
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen denies ever saying Aetna is a bigger threat to America than Osama bin Laden, and Stephen heckles a Burger King commercial.
08/12/2009
03:34

Mark Johnson
The Colbert ReportS5

Mark Johnson explores the way music helps us persevere through struggles with his movement, "Playing for Change."
08/12/2009
00:32

Intro - 8/12/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Americans speak Glenn Beck's mind at town hall meetings, and Mark Johnson spreads peace through music.
08/12/2009
00:20

Sign Off - Stephen's Online Information
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen's online password is always "actionman4" and his MasterCard security code is 786.
08/13/2009
05:42

Mark Devlin
The Colbert ReportS5

Mark Devlin sends giant weather balloons into space to learn about galaxies that are billions of light years away.
08/13/2009
01:35

Sheila Jackson-Lee Takes a Phone Call
The Colbert ReportS5

Sheila Jackson-Lee interrupting a cancer survivor to answer her phone looks bad, but it was a very important call.
08/13/2009
03:41

Glenn-Harried Glenn-Lost
The Colbert ReportS5

Glenn Beck didn't call President Obama a racist, and he didn't compare his health care plan to Hitler's eugenics program.
08/13/2009
00:40

Intro - 8/13/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Glenn Beck loses his sponsors, and Mark Devlin uses giant balloons to life telescopes to the edge of space.
08/13/2009
06:49

Cheating Death - Blue M&Ms, Vitamin D & Hormones
The Colbert ReportS5

Blue M&Ms heal spinal injuries in rats, kids spend too much time indoors, and all women need hormones.
08/13/2009
06:28

Even Better-er Know a District - Colorado's 2nd - Jared Polis
The Colbert ReportS5

Jared Polis didn't announce that he was gay as a political ploy to get elected in a liberal district.
08/17/2009
00:03

Sign Off - Goodnight
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen will see you tomorrow.
08/17/2009
04:33

Bill McKibben
The Colbert ReportS5

Bill McKibben urges international leaders to take steps to lower the world's carbon dioxide levels through his 350.org movement.
08/17/2009
00:35

Intro - 8/17/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Reporters get so desperate they'll even work for a newspaper, and Bill McKibben lowers carbon dioxide levels by not exhaling when he talks.
08/17/2009
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