The Colbert Report
Tip/Wag - Assassination Squads, Biblical History & Gay Penguins
Season 5 • 07/15/2009
The CIA ends its secret program to assassinate Al Qaeda leaders, and two male penguins break up.
Leymah GboweeThe Colbert ReportS5
Leymah Gbowee organized a sex strike among women until the Liberian civil war ended.
The Word - Guns, Credit, and CornThe Colbert ReportS5
The American government can use the defense budget to pay for health care and just turn sick people into a weapons program.
Senator Wences Questions Sonia SotomayorThe Colbert ReportS5
Senator Wences asks Sonia Sotomayor the tough questions while still maintaining cultural sensitivity.
Sign Off - The Pitcher in the OatThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen reads his J.D. Salinger tribute prequel, written under the pseudonym, J.D. Stephenger.
Raise High the Rage BeamsThe Colbert ReportS5
If J.D. Salinger doesn't come on the show, Stephen will publish his prequel, "The Pitcher in the Oat," under the pseudonym J.D. Stephenger.
Difference Makers - Doug JacksonThe Colbert ReportS5
Thanks to State Senator Doug Jackson, it's now legal to carry a concealed weapon into a bar in Tennessee.
Douglas RushkoffThe Colbert ReportS5
Douglas Rushkoff discusses the downfalls of operating the world like a corporation and how to weaken corporate influence.
Stephen Wants to Be the Worst Person in the WorldThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen tries to make it onto Keith Olbermann's "Worst Person in the World" list by slapping a baby with a puppy.
Intro - 7/15/09The Colbert ReportS5
There's bad news for people with target-shaped birthmarks, and Douglas Rushkoff lets Jews and Freemasons off the hook.
Sign Off - No Man Is a FailureThe Colbert ReportS5
No man is a failure who has friends, unless his friends are failures.
Tip/Wag - Assassination Squads, Biblical History & Gay PenguinsThe Colbert ReportS5
The CIA shuts down its assassination program, Texas wants Christianity taught in history, and two male penguins end their relationship.
The Word - Neutral Man's BurdenThe Colbert ReportS5
Sonia Sotomayor's personal background should be neutralized the way Band-Aids were when they reached out to minorities.
Intro - 7/16/09The Colbert ReportS5
Stephen is emotionally dead inside, and Ed Andrews should write about teen vampires if he wants to get out of debt.
The Memy AwardsThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen announces the nominees for the Memy Awards' one and only category: Outstanding Individual.
Edmund AndrewsThe Colbert ReportS5
Edmund Andrews explains how he fell victim to the mortgage crisis as a New York Times economics reporter.
Cheating Death - Diabetes Dogs, Chocolate Milk & Swearing in PainThe Colbert ReportS5
Dogs help fight diabetes, chocolate milk replaces sports drinks, and swearing after an injury alleviates pain.
Sign Off - Stephen WinsThe Colbert ReportS5
If you've had half as much fun watching the show as Stephen has had doing it, then he's had twice as much fun.
Walter Cronkite RememberedThe Colbert ReportS5
Walter Cronkite's passing doesn't get the kind of cable news attention Stephen believes it deserves.
Sport Report - Jessica Simpson, Olympic Brothel & Bud LightThe Colbert ReportS5
Tony Romo breaks up with Jessica Simpson, an Olympic hopeful opens a brothel, and Stephen loves the taste of Bud Light.
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