The Colbert Report

Turtle Race Update

Season 3 • 04/17/2007

If Stephen's turtle wins the Great Turtle Race, he will finally be even with his Nicaraguan bookie.

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02:09

The Metaphor-Off Is On
The Colbert ReportS3

Sean Penn picks up the gauntlet after Stephen draws a line in the sand.
04/16/2007
01:34

Alpha Dog of the Week - Paul Wolfowitz
The Colbert ReportS3

Stephen makes Paul Wolfowitz his Alpha Dog of the Week for lifting his leg on the World Bank.
04/16/2007
03:51

The Word - Clean Slate
The Colbert ReportS3

Stephen feels the only way Alberto Gonzales can get a clean slate is to clean his own slate.
04/16/2007
06:21

John Kerry
The Colbert ReportS3

John Kerry hints that this may not be the first time he did not consider running for president.
04/16/2007
06:03

Elaine Pagels
The Colbert ReportS3

Elaine Pagels tells Stephen about the gospel according to Judas.
04/17/2007
00:38

Sign Off - Stephen's Taxes
The Colbert ReportS3

Everyone clear a path between Stephen's studio and the 34th Street post office!
04/17/2007
03:41

The Word - Plan B
The Colbert ReportS3

The president's Plan A in Iraq must be going according to plan; otherwise they'd already be implementing Plan B.
04/17/2007
02:06

Metaphor-Off Training
The Colbert ReportS3

To train for his Metaphor Off against Sean Penn, Stephen has been stretching his metonymies and doing synecdoche squats.
04/17/2007
00:33

Intro - 4/17/07
The Colbert ReportS3

Stephen questions President Bush's plans for Iraq, investigates a new study on teen abstinence and interviews author Elaine Pagels.
04/17/2007
04:13

Tip/Wag - Fake Sperm
The Colbert ReportS3

Stephen wags his finger at abstinence education, cell phones, fake sperm and those who can't hack it.
04/17/2007
02:22

Turtle Race Update
The Colbert ReportS3

Stephen gives an update on his adopted turtle, Stephanie, as she makes her way to the Galapagos Islands.
04/17/2007
03:35

Who's Not Honoring Me Now? - Pulitzer
The Colbert ReportS3

According to the Pulitzer's, Henry Ward Beecher is the Most Famous Man in America, but the last time Stephen checked, he didn't have a diet named after him or a sex tape.
04/18/2007
03:37

The Word - Branding
The Colbert ReportS3

Corporations may not be used to having their names associated with human suffering, but think of the ad space.
04/18/2007
00:30

Intro - 4/18/07
The Colbert ReportS3

Britain stops using the phrase "war on terror," debate rises over bovine growth hormones and supermodel Paulina Porizkova joins Stephen in the studio.
04/18/2007
00:12

Sign Off - Upcoming Metaphor-Off
The Colbert ReportS3

Stephen's going to take on Sean Penn like white takes on rice.
04/18/2007
04:38

Milk & Hormones
The Colbert ReportS3

Stephen shares an educational video about Recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone, aka "Jesus Milk."
04/18/2007
00:21

National Library Week - Sebastian Junger
The Colbert ReportS3

Author Sebastian Junger celebrates National Library Week by asking us to buy his books.
04/18/2007
00:17

National Library Week - David Remnick
The Colbert ReportS3

David Remnick suggests that if you subscribe to the New Yorker but want even more unread material, visit your local library.
04/18/2007
00:47

National Library Week - Frank McCourt
The Colbert ReportS3

English teacher Frank McCourt stresses the importance of books, but if he were a shop teacher he would be stressing the importance of plywood.
04/18/2007
05:50

Paulina Porizkova
The Colbert ReportS3

Stephen can verify Paulina Porizkova as a supermodel because he is an arbiter of American taste.
04/18/2007
00:30

Intro - 4/19/07
The Colbert ReportS3

John Edwards spends $400 on a haircut, and Sean Penn faces off against Stephen in an epic battle of the metaphors.
04/19/2007
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