The Colbert Report

Colbert Platinum - Ass-Covering Edition

Season 5 • 02/03/2009

Marcus Schrenker's mistake was that he didn't commit.

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04:02

The Colbert ReportS5
The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act

Stephen will now have to discriminate under the table, which will be difficult, since that's where he usually does his harassing.
02/02/2009
05:39

The Colbert ReportS5
Nailed 'Em - Amtrak Photographer

Amtrak police arrest a man because he's taking pictures for their photography contest.
02/02/2009
03:05

The Colbert ReportS5
It Could Be Worse - Iceland

Iceland is a frigid rock in the middle of nowhere that has gone bankrupt and gone gay.
02/02/2009
00:35

The Colbert ReportS5
Intro - 2/2/09

The government collapses in Iceland, or as it will soon be known thanks to global warming, Landland.
02/02/2009
05:35

The Colbert ReportS5
Dan Zaccagnino

Stephen is angry with Dan Zaccagnino for allowing Indaba Music users to remix his interview.
02/02/2009
07:07

The Colbert ReportS5
Henry Louis Gates, Jr.

Henry Louis Gates, Jr. says Abraham Lincoln was always against slavery, but he wasn't a fan of black people.
02/03/2009
00:14

The Colbert ReportS5
All the Show We Have Time For

Fortunately, it's also all the time we have show for.
02/03/2009
02:35

The Colbert ReportS5
Tom Daschle Steps Down

If this were the Bush administration, Tom Daschle would have never stepped down -- not without a medal of freedom.
02/03/2009
05:29

The Colbert ReportS5
The Word - Army of One

If Republicans do what Rush Limbaugh says, they'll get the only vote that matters: his.
02/03/2009
00:33

The Colbert ReportS5
Intro - 2/3/09

Republicans choose a new leader. Don't worry -- they're the same old ideas.
02/03/2009
04:13

The Colbert ReportS5
Colbert Platinum - Ass-Covering Edition

If you really want to convince people you're dead, you need to actually die.
02/03/2009
04:39

The Colbert ReportS5
Who's Not Honoring Me Now? - The Newberry Awards

Al Gore has already won an Oscar, an Emmy, a Nobel Prize and the 2000 presidential election -- he doesn't need a Grammy.
02/04/2009
00:32

The Colbert ReportS5
Intro - 2/4/09

Pope Benedict reinstates a Holocaust-denying bishop. Frankly, Stephen is skeptical of the evidence that he actually reinstated him.
02/04/2009
00:09

The Colbert ReportS5
Tell Your Friends

If you didn't like what you saw, Stephen will tell your enemies.
02/04/2009
03:01

The Colbert ReportS5
Stephen Verbally Thrashes Steve Martin

Stephen explodes after Steve Martin walks through his eyeline.
02/04/2009
04:33

The Colbert ReportS5
Yahweh or No Way - The Super Bowl

God helping both teams in a football game would be as impossible as loving both Christians and Muslims.
02/04/2009
00:13

The Colbert ReportS5
Keep Your Friends Close

You can keep your enemies closer by hating yourself.
02/05/2009
00:31

The Colbert ReportS5
Intro - 2/5/09

What's in the stimulus package? Stephen's guessing high-fructose corn syrup because that stuff is in everything.
02/05/2009
02:40

The Colbert ReportS5
Stelephant Colbert the Elephant Seal

Stephen has a hideous elephant seal named after him.
02/05/2009
02:03

The Colbert ReportS5
Alpha Dog of the Week - Boy Scouts of America

The Boy Scouts of America proudly raise the Scout sign and tell their own conservation code to read between the lines.
02/05/2009
07:03

The Colbert ReportS5
Jonah Lehrer

Jonah Lehrer talks about finding a balance between the rational and the emotional in decision-making.
02/05/2009
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