The Colbert Report

Colbert Platinum - Ass-Covering Edition

Season 5 • 02/03/2009

Marcus Schrenker's mistake was that he didn't commit.

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04:02

The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen will now have to discriminate under the table, which will be difficult, since that's where he usually does his harassing.
02/02/2009
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05:39

Nailed 'Em - Amtrak Photographer
The Colbert ReportS5

Amtrak police arrest a man because he's taking pictures for their photography contest.
02/02/2009
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03:05

It Could Be Worse - Iceland
The Colbert ReportS5

Iceland is a frigid rock in the middle of nowhere that has gone bankrupt and gone gay.
02/02/2009
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00:35

Intro - 2/2/09
The Colbert ReportS5

The government collapses in Iceland, or as it will soon be known thanks to global warming, Landland.
02/02/2009
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05:35

Dan Zaccagnino
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen is angry with Dan Zaccagnino for allowing Indaba Music users to remix his interview.
02/02/2009
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07:07

Henry Louis Gates, Jr.
The Colbert ReportS5

Henry Louis Gates, Jr. says Abraham Lincoln was always against slavery, but he wasn't a fan of black people.
02/03/2009
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00:14

All the Show We Have Time For
The Colbert ReportS5

Fortunately, it's also all the time we have show for.
02/03/2009
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02:35

Tom Daschle Steps Down
The Colbert ReportS5

If this were the Bush administration, Tom Daschle would have never stepped down -- not without a medal of freedom.
02/03/2009
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05:29

The Word - Army of One
The Colbert ReportS5

If Republicans do what Rush Limbaugh says, they'll get the only vote that matters: his.
02/03/2009
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00:33

Intro - 2/3/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Republicans choose a new leader. Don't worry -- they're the same old ideas.
02/03/2009
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04:13

Colbert Platinum - Ass-Covering Edition
The Colbert ReportS5

If you really want to convince people you're dead, you need to actually die.
02/03/2009
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04:39

Who's Not Honoring Me Now? - The Newberry Awards
The Colbert ReportS5

Al Gore has already won an Oscar, an Emmy, a Nobel Prize and the 2000 presidential election -- he doesn't need a Grammy.
02/04/2009
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00:32

Intro - 2/4/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Pope Benedict reinstates a Holocaust-denying bishop. Frankly, Stephen is skeptical of the evidence that he actually reinstated him.
02/04/2009
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00:09

Tell Your Friends
The Colbert ReportS5

If you didn't like what you saw, Stephen will tell your enemies.
02/04/2009
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03:01

Stephen Verbally Thrashes Steve Martin
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen explodes after Steve Martin walks through his eyeline.
02/04/2009
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04:33

Yahweh or No Way - The Super Bowl
The Colbert ReportS5

God helping both teams in a football game would be as impossible as loving both Christians and Muslims.
02/04/2009
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00:13

Keep Your Friends Close
The Colbert ReportS5

You can keep your enemies closer by hating yourself.
02/05/2009
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00:31

Intro - 2/5/09
The Colbert ReportS5

What's in the stimulus package? Stephen's guessing high-fructose corn syrup because that stuff is in everything.
02/05/2009
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02:40

Stelephant Colbert the Elephant Seal
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen has a hideous elephant seal named after him.
02/05/2009
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02:03

Alpha Dog of the Week - Boy Scouts of America
The Colbert ReportS5

The Boy Scouts of America proudly raise the Scout sign and tell their own conservation code to read between the lines.
02/05/2009
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07:03

Jonah Lehrer
The Colbert ReportS5

Jonah Lehrer talks about finding a balance between the rational and the emotional in decision-making.
02/05/2009
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