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The Colbert Report
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The Colbert Report
Colbert Platinum - Ass-Covering Edition
Season 5 • 02/03/2009
Marcus Schrenker's mistake was that he didn't commit.
More
Watching
04:02
The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act
The Colbert Report
S5
Stephen will now have to discriminate under the table, which will be difficult, since that's where he usually does his harassing.
02/02/2009
05:39
Nailed 'Em - Amtrak Photographer
The Colbert Report
S5
Amtrak police arrest a man because he's taking pictures for their photography contest.
02/02/2009
03:05
It Could Be Worse - Iceland
The Colbert Report
S5
Iceland is a frigid rock in the middle of nowhere that has gone bankrupt and gone gay.
02/02/2009
00:35
Intro - 2/2/09
The Colbert Report
S5
The government collapses in Iceland, or as it will soon be known thanks to global warming, Landland.
02/02/2009
05:35
Dan Zaccagnino
The Colbert Report
S5
Stephen is angry with Dan Zaccagnino for allowing Indaba Music users to remix his interview.
02/02/2009
07:07
Henry Louis Gates, Jr.
The Colbert Report
S5
Henry Louis Gates, Jr. says Abraham Lincoln was always against slavery, but he wasn't a fan of black people.
02/03/2009
00:14
All the Show We Have Time For
The Colbert Report
S5
Fortunately, it's also all the time we have show for.
02/03/2009
02:35
Tom Daschle Steps Down
The Colbert Report
S5
If this were the Bush administration, Tom Daschle would have never stepped down -- not without a medal of freedom.
02/03/2009
05:29
The Word - Army of One
The Colbert Report
S5
If Republicans do what Rush Limbaugh says, they'll get the only vote that matters: his.
02/03/2009
00:33
Intro - 2/3/09
The Colbert Report
S5
Republicans choose a new leader. Don't worry -- they're the same old ideas.
02/03/2009
04:13
Colbert Platinum - Ass-Covering Edition
The Colbert Report
S5
If you really want to convince people you're dead, you need to actually die.
02/03/2009
04:39
Who's Not Honoring Me Now? - The Newberry Awards
The Colbert Report
S5
Al Gore has already won an Oscar, an Emmy, a Nobel Prize and the 2000 presidential election -- he doesn't need a Grammy.
02/04/2009
00:32
Intro - 2/4/09
The Colbert Report
S5
Pope Benedict reinstates a Holocaust-denying bishop. Frankly, Stephen is skeptical of the evidence that he actually reinstated him.
02/04/2009
00:09
Tell Your Friends
The Colbert Report
S5
If you didn't like what you saw, Stephen will tell your enemies.
02/04/2009
03:01
Stephen Verbally Thrashes Steve Martin
The Colbert Report
S5
Stephen explodes after Steve Martin walks through his eyeline.
02/04/2009
04:33
Yahweh or No Way - The Super Bowl
The Colbert Report
S5
God helping both teams in a football game would be as impossible as loving both Christians and Muslims.
02/04/2009
00:13
Keep Your Friends Close
The Colbert Report
S5
You can keep your enemies closer by hating yourself.
02/05/2009
00:31
Intro - 2/5/09
The Colbert Report
S5
What's in the stimulus package? Stephen's guessing high-fructose corn syrup because that stuff is in everything.
02/05/2009
02:40
Stelephant Colbert the Elephant Seal
The Colbert Report
S5
Stephen has a hideous elephant seal named after him.
02/05/2009
02:03
Alpha Dog of the Week - Boy Scouts of America
The Colbert Report
S5
The Boy Scouts of America proudly raise the Scout sign and tell their own conservation code to read between the lines.
02/05/2009
07:03
Jonah Lehrer
The Colbert Report
S5
Jonah Lehrer talks about finding a balance between the rational and the emotional in decision-making.
02/05/2009
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A Front Row Seat to South Park The 25th Anniversary Concert
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S25
Sing along to silly songs and classic symphonies from the show on South Park The 25th Anniversary Concert, premiering August 13 at 10/9c.
07/27/2022
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Hot Mess Holiday
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